Episode 202 – Hide: A Short Horror Story

Summary

In this special spook-tacular episode, I present another horror short story. The story this time is called Hide. It was inspired by a Japanese game about summoning a spirit. It was something that I’d read about years ago online, and I thought that it would make for a great story. This is the story about a kid and the internet, and the lengths he would potentially go for an audience. Enjoy if you dare!

Music: Karl Casey @ White Bat Audio

Various sound FX: Storyblocks

TO READ ALONG:

Hide

By Jeremy Jordan

“What’s up, guys? It’s your boy, Xenophage69, back at it again with another challenge. Last time was a total amateur hour, so let’s try and really bring it this time!”

Timmy, or ‘Xenophage69’ as he liked to be referred to online, was shooting another video for his YouTube channel. It was 2006, the internet was still a bit like the wild west, and Timmy was having a blast. He had a few friends in real life, but online, he had a massive audience. They’d leave comments, both good and bad. Timmy ate them all up. He loved the attention and was willing to do just about anything to keep his fans entertained.

However, this wasn’t always the case. When Xenophage69 first started uploading videos, he was vlogging about the comics and movies he was particularly into at the time. He would often review or rant to a small but loyal audience. It was an enjoyable hobby that provided him with a nice outlet for expressing himself and his ideas. Once he eventually hit the magic 1000-subscriber number, everything changed.

When it came time to celebrate this milestone, he thought he’d do something a bit different. Instead of making another pop culture-type video, he decided to do a challenge. Videos of this nature were starting to trend as the age of the internet star and influencer was just beginning. The challenge was a very simple one to start with. Timmy mixed various condiments and downed the nasty mix quickly on camera.

The video caught fire within the first couple of days and ended up being the most popular thing he had ever recorded up until that point. It was something different and totally gross. People ate it up. He received lots of positive comments and feedback. Things such as, “Awesome! Next time, add horseradish!” or “Love it. Let’s see what else you can do!”

Likes poured in while Timmy’s subscribers and confidence grew. By the end of the week, Timmy decided to shift from Xenophage, the pop culture guy, to Xenophage, the challenge guy. It wasn’t a quick shift, however. He still had a passion for his hobbies and loved to talk about them. On the other hand, Timmy also really desired fame, and so far, had come to see two potential paths ahead of him. The quick path was challenge videos, of course. He knew it could be more humiliating and physically draining, my God, what a large audience he could amass.

At first, he thought that he could direct his large audience from the challenge videos to his other videos. It was a valid idea, but things just didn’t work that way. Most of that audience just wanted to watch the random chaos that came from a wacky challenge.

6 months into this new way of doing things, Timmy had eaten plenty of disgusting and spicy foods, trespassed in a couple of places for an overnight challenge, and even sustained a few injuries. In his mind, this had all been worth it. He’d grown his subscribers to a number he could only previously dreamt of, and felt that in spite of it not being the path he originally envisioned, he was finally somebody.

In the present time, Timmy was continuing on with his recording.

“I was scrolling through the comments on my latest challenge last night and came across some joker who suggested I do a challenge he referred to as ‘solo hide & seek’. Confused as I was? Well, since we are deep into October, I’m going to entertain this and elaborate. I looked it up, and it turns out that it’s some kind of ritual where you try to play hide and seek with a spirit. What a sack of bullshit! Of course, I will be taking it on for my next video. Why? Because your boy is never one to turn down a challenge, no matter how corny. Let’s get spooky!”

Later that evening, Timmy sat hunched over his computer desk, further researching the challenge, while creating a list of supplies. The instructions stated that the first thing that he’d need is a doll that he was to give a name to. He would then have to cut the doll open, remove the stuffing, insert a mix of rice and his own fingernail clippings, and sew it back up with red thread. From that point, he’d have to declare 3 times that it was his turn first while closing his eyes. After that, he’d have to place the doll in the tub, and it was game on.

Timmy did not believe in any sort of paranormal things, but he felt uneasy as he made his way to the end of his research. At the bottom of the instructions was a long list of bold warnings. There were a lot of things that you should not do, with a heavy focus on the dangers involved in doing any sort of spirit ritual like this.

While in bed that night, Timmy had a horrifying nightmare about a doll slowly creeping down his hallway. It would lift its small hand to its head while searching in various doorways. In the doll’s other hand, a knife. When it reached the end of the hallway, it slowly tilted its head back and began to bleed from its eyes while letting out a blood-curdling scream.

Timmy awoke in terror. Sweaty and panicked, he turned to check the phone: 3:00 am. This had to be a coincidence, he thought. He’d been focused on research for hours before bed. Of course, there was the potential for a nightmare. He shook it off and tried his best to drift off to sleep. He thought of his grandparents, warm cookies, his pets, and his adoring fans. After a few minutes, the mission was accomplished. Timmy was back in a deep sleep.

On his way to school the next morning, Timmy continued to think about his upcoming challenge. It was hard not to. Outside, there was a chill in the air, and the town was all decked out for the season. Lawns were littered with webs and other types of creepy decor. Bradbury was already a very unsettling place, and the Fall was just the icing on the creepy-ass cake.

At lunch that afternoon, Timmy spoke with his good friend Gary. There weren’t many people that Timmy felt he had a real connection with, but Gary was solid company. They grew up together, shared many interests, and knew many details about one another. Gary was well aware of Timmy’s online persona and success. He had many thoughts about what his pal was up to, but rarely ever shared them for fear of coming off sounding insensitive.

“Thoughts?” Gary wondered.

“Huh?” Timmy’s mind was elsewhere.

“I said, did you watch Detective Danger last night? Dude, the estranged daughter showed up? Who ended up being a cyborg? Holy shit!”

Timmy swirled his peas around a bit with his fork before replying, “No, I was busy researching a challenge. Thanks for the spoilers, though.”

“Oh, sorry. I just assumed you’d be glued to the screen for this one. To be fair, Detective Danger gets up to way more cool shit beyond what I just mentioned. He had quite the evening. Anyway, what’s the challenge this time?” asked Gary, right before stuffing a nugget into his mouth.

Timmy hesitated a bit at first. He was feeling both a mix of embarrassment and fear. Eventually, he muttered, “It’s gonna sound real silly, but it was a fan suggestion and I think it could bring new eyes to the channel. I’m doing a paranormal ritual. I’m going to try and get an entity to possess a stuffed animal, and the two of us are going to play hide and seek.”

Gary was a bit surprised. This was certainly something that was out of Timmy’s normal realm, yet he knew the lengths his friend was willing to go for an audience and internet points.

He had just one question, “Why, though? I know you’re not a believer in that stuff.”

“Exactly!” Timmy declared, “It will be an easy-peasy challenge for October, and I’ll get tons of views and engagement! It’ll be great!”

Gary took in the information while continuing to scarf down his lunch. He tried to think of a few things to say, yet his mind remained blank. The two friends sat in a prolonged, awkward silence for about a minute.

Timmy polished off the rest of his chocolate milk and offered another thought, “One kinda weird thing, though, I had this crazy nightmare last night. I’m sure it was just because of all the research and prep I was doing before bed. Still, though, I’m having a hard time getting those warnings out of my head. I know it was just a silly wiki page…I just can’t shake this feeling of dread.”

This was a rare moment of honesty from Timmy, at least within the past year or so. Once Xenophage69 really started blowing up, Timmy started growing more and more distant. The internet fame was sudden. It grabbed onto Timmy immediately and gripped tightly. The lines between his personal life and online life blurred. There was an eventual change in the way he spoke and dressed as well. After enough time passed, Gary just figured this was how things were going to be. He remained good friends with Timmy, but would have to accept the new version of his pal if he wanted to continue the relationship.

It was very encouraging to hear his friend’s thoughts. He had a reply readied almost instantly, as if he’d been waiting for this moment.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, man. You’ve got a huge, loyal audience. It may disappoint a few people, but everyone will have moved on by the time your next challenge video comes out.”

Timmy looked up in thought for a second, “Sure, it’s just that-”

Before he could continue, SPLAT! A very large and very juicy helping of creamed corn smacked Timmy in the face. He didn’t even have to wipe it from his eyes to figure out who this corny bandit was. Though Timmy wasn’t super popular, he also didn’t have a lot of enemies or bullies. The only one who truly gave him a hard time was Derek the Dick, you know, because he was kind of a dick. He seemed to be driven by pure hate and was capable of some really cruel things.

Timmy wiped the corn from his face while hurling an insult, “Hey Derek, it seems you accidentally hit my face with your meal instead of your trough, you fucking pig!”

Gary’s eyes shifted down to the ground. Timmy sat up a bit straighter; he was pleased with himself. He thought he was quite clever. Derek, however, did not. He made his way closer to Timmy until he was close enough to give a solid push off his seat. That was then followed up with another solid helping of corn and a “fuck you”, before walking away. Gary got up and attempted to help.

“You alright, man?” Gary wondered.

Timmy returned to his seat while wiping away the remaining food.

“Yeah, yeah,” he started, “fuck that guy.”

Gary nodded in agreement.

Timmy continued to clean up while they sat in silence. It quickly dawned on Gary that they were in the middle of an important conversation. He tried to get back on track.

“So anyway, it sounded like you had some thoughts on the challenge?”

Timmy leaned back a bit, trying to exude a confident swagger. His reply was brief.

“You know what? I’m good. I’m going to do it. It’s a stupid fucking internet challenge. Ohhh scary! Watch out for the spooky stuffed animal! Thanks, though.”

Gary nodded silently while letting out a small sigh. The two of them then proceeded to finish up their lunches.

On Timmy’s walk back home from school, he pulled out his cell phone to make a small intro for his new video.

“Hey guys! It’s your boy Xenophage here. I’ve been doing some serious research and prep about this challenge. Tonight, it is on. Not only am I not scared, but I will also totally crush it. I may even have a few laughs along the way. No scary stuffed animal is going to make a fool of me!”

And with that, he stopped the recording and made his way back home. It was a Friday night. Timmy would often still try and carve out some time for his friend Gary on the weekend, but tonight would be different. Timmy prepped and mostly sat anxiously in front of the TV watching horror marathons until it was time to begin. According to the wiki page, he was to wait until 3:00 am, thus providing him with lots of buildup and anticipation.

The stuffed animal that Timmy chose was a stuffed bear that was given to him by his Grandma when he was very young. Timmy loved his Grandma very much. She, of course, loved him very much too and loved to spoil him. Timmy was an only child with very busy parents. His father was often away on business trips, while his mother worked most mornings as a substitute teacher. When not working, she juggled housework, errands around town, and a side hustle where she made keychains. A lot of Timmy’s childhood involved walking to his Grandma’s house after school. They were close and did a lot of fun things together. He watched his first horror film there, ate more cookies than he could’ve ever imagined, and just generally did all the things a kid that age loved to do.

When his Grandma died, Timmy was 13. It absolutely gutted him. He mentally checked out for about a year after that. His parents, still just as busy as ever, tried their best to help, but Timmy mostly needed time and an outlet.

The stuffed bear was Timmy’s most prized possession. It was light brown with a cute little black vest and two button eyes. His Grandma gave the bear to Timmy one evening after he had been having some bad dreams. The bear had been sitting, undisturbed, for years on a shelf. Timmy’s Grandma thought it might be a valuable collectible one day, but after the incident, she thought it would be better suited as a protector.

“Timmy, I’d like to introduce you to Sir Bearington. He will protect you from all the scary monsters and bad dreams. Pretty cool, huh?”

Sir Bearington was now a dark brown bear with a torn vest and one button eye. It still gave him immense comfort, and though it seemed odd that he’d be potentially possessing it, there was no other toy he’d rather share the room with. The bear sat upon the cold bathroom counter as Timmy watched the clock and returned to his camera.

With the simple push of a button, Timmy was rolling and ready to address his fans, “What’s up, guys?! It is now 2:50 am. I’ve got my supplies and a filled bath. In about ten minutes, I’ll be performing the ritual. You may be asking yourselves, does this guy know what he’s messing with? To that I say, ha! Ha, ha, even. If you think your old pal Xenophage69 is afraid of a ‘wittle’ stuffie, then I don’t know what to tell ya. It must be your first day on my channel. In which case, make sure you hit that like button and subscribe for more killer content! Anyway, time for a bit more prep. I’ll check back in when it’s time to begin.”

Timmy set his camera down on the counter and picked up the bear. In his other hand, he grabbed a knife that he had placed nearby. Slowly raising it, he spoke softly to the bear, “Sorry, Mr. Bearington, I’ll stitch you right back up.”

In one swift motion, Timmy cut open the bear. Then he removed the stuffing and filled it with some of his nail clippings and rice, as instructed by the website. The next step was to sew the bear back up with red thread. He’d watched YouTube tutorials on sewing in the few days leading up to the challenge and luckily had absorbed enough knowledge to do so. When he was finished, he wrapped any of the remaining string around the bear. This was supposed to ‘bind’ the spirit. With the bath full and stuffed animal prepped, Timmy turned his camera back on.

Before addressing his audience, he turned the night-vision setting on. Another component of this challenge was complete darkness, aside from a lone TV tuned to static.

“What’s up, everyone? It is now 2:59 am, the lights are off, and it’s now or never. Time to dunk this bitch and start the game.”

Timmy grasped the bear tightly. He gave it one last look before chanting, “first tagger is Timmy, first tagger is Timmy, first tagger is Timmy.”.

And with that, Timmy dunked the bear and left the room so he could find a place to start counting down from 10. The instructions specifically said not to look back. Doing so would run the risk of causing the spirit to get angry and attack. Timmy was very curious and still had a hard time believing all this, but as he scurried down towards the end of his hallway, he didn’t look back. He leaned his head up against a random spot on the hall wall and started to slowly count down. When he reached zero, he went to look for the bear. As he anticipated, it was still inside the tub.

“I found you, Sir Bearington!” shouted Timmy.

He then proceeded to stab the bear with a knife. It was now time for the bear to find him.

With his eyes closed tight, he chanted: “It is now Sir Bearington’s turn, it is now Sir Bearington’s turn, it is now Sir Bearington’s turn!”

The next part of the instructions, Timmy found to be very bizarre. He was to keep salt water in his mouth for the remainder of the game and by no means swallow it until he was ready to end the ritual.

Timmy decided he’d pick the closet as his hiding place, as it was the first location that came to him, and he knew there was plenty inside to potentially cover himself strategically with. Would that really be required, he wondered to himself. He was starting to think this was really insane. The reality of the situation was hitting him, and he felt a bit foolish. Without another thought, though, he turned on his camera and tried to gesture to his mouth, indicating to his audience that he could not speak, but would still be showing as much of the process as possible. His eyes darted back and forth between the forward-facing LCD screen of his camera to random dark areas of the closet. With his free, non-camera hand, he clasped a nearby blanket. It wasn’t much other than a small feeling of security. He was sure that if spirits were real, blankets probably wouldn’t deter them.

A couple of minutes into his hiding, he had to set the camera down on a nearby stack of storage containers against the back closet wall. His whole arm started to itch, then burn. It felt like there were hundreds of fire ants crawling all over his skin. He wanted to scream and scratch, but he also wanted to remain as still and silent as possible. Sweat started to drip from his forehead as the sensation moved up from his arm to his shoulders and neck. This had to just be some weird psychological trick, he thought. He looked into the camera and tried to gesture with his arm. It was very difficult for Timmy to communicate with his audience without the use of his favorite tool. It was a messy series of head nods and eye shifting, which he knew probably looked ridiculous, yet better than no footage at all, he thought.

The sensations built to a crescendo, and just when he thought he could no longer take it, there was a sudden sound of a distant creaking noise from the other room. All at once, the itching and burning went away, and Timmy’s focus shifted. The noise was followed by more creaks and the sounds of various drawers opening and closing. Timmy’s face went pale while he continued to roll footage and act like the situation wasn’t as creepy as it actually was. He listened intently to the sounds. It still sounded like lots of searching going on; things moving, small cabinet doors opening, those types of things. Timmy tried to remain rational about this. No one was home, but perhaps he was being pranked. It could be someone from school who knew about the channel and challenge, he thought.

The noises continued as he sat frozen in fear and thought. If this were someone playing a prank, they would’ve had to have access to the garage or just broken in. That seemed extreme, but if not that, then was it really a spirit? Timmy strategically pulled down some clothes and the small blanket he had been grasping to put over himself. He kept a small opening for air and the ability to still listen.

He continued to track the sounds from the other room while attempting to make himself as tiny as possible. The noises shifted back into the main hallway. They grew louder and louder until it finally sounded like the bedroom door started opening. Timmy tensed his whole body up. Whatever was out there was coming straight towards him.

The next noises that Timmy could clearly hear were the sounds of scratching from outside the door. The camera continued to roll while sitting on the storage containers. He’d not even thought of picking it back up, feeling that he’d have to be prepared and would need both his hands free for whatever could arise. He tried hard to keep his breathing silent. The combo of the small space and clothes-based hiding spot made things very uncomfortable, though. Sweat continued down his forehead as the scratches made their way toward the closet. They inched closer to Timmy’s location until suddenly stopping completely.

Timmy thought that this was it. If he’d summoned a spirit, this was the end of the game. He’d been found. He expected that next the doors would slide open, but instead, a familiar voice.

“Timmy? It’s me, Grandma.”

This sent chills down Timmy’s spine. It sounded exactly like his Grandma, but he knew that couldn’t be possible.

“Please come out of there, Timmy! You’ve been so distant lately. Don’t you have any time for me anymore? Remember that wonderful afternoon in the pumpkin patch?”

Even if Timmy wanted to scream and run away, both those options would be off the table since he was completely overwhelmed and frozen with dread.

New sounds started from just outside the door. There was a low groan that lasted for five seconds, followed by a series of taps. The taps started just outside the closet, on the wall. They traveled slowly and methodically over to the closet door.

The nasty sweat continued, some getting in his eyes as he attempted to wiggle some extremities to try and unfreeze himself while also contemplating an exit strategy. The instructions stated that if found by the possessed object, the hider would be stabbed by the object originally used to stab it. There was also a risk of possession of the hider by the spirit.

To make sure this didn’t happen, Timmy thought that he’d somehow have to see the bear before it saw him. He didn’t want to believe it, but if that door suddenly swung open, that could be it. He decided that the only thing he really could do was try to build the clothes up to make a decoy pile and slide himself stealthily to the other side of the closet. From there, he could attempt a sneak attack from the side. This was assuming that the entity decided to stick to one side and was somewhat able to be tricked. He listened intently to the taps and was sure they were still coming from the side that he was currently on.

Moving as quickly and as quietly as he could, Timmy started by shoving all of the layers enveloping him into their own body-shaped pile. Next, he picked up his camera and got into a ready position. He listened for any sort of possible signal that the entity was about to slide open the door. After about a minute of steady tapping, there was silence. This was it.

Timmy took a breath. It was now or never, he thought. In one swift motion, he waddled to the other side, keeping one hand on the camera and the other on his closet door. As he reached the other door, he realized that his assumptions were correct. The other door in front of his previous position was starting to slide open. The race was on as Timmy quickly started opening his door. When he had enough space for his head, he quickly popped it out and swallowed the salt water.

To his shock, the bear was still upright with one hand on the door. It was still in the act of slowly sliding open the door and searching. Timmy, now fully out of the closet, used this window to pin the bear down.

“Ha! I won!” Timmy shouted as he reached for his remaining salt water, still using his foot to keep the bear down.

To end the ritual, Timmy circled the bear with the rest of the water. He took one last look at the bear before closing his eyes and chanting, “I win!” three times.

After ending the ritual, Timmy picked up his camera to record a quick outro for his audience.

“Hey guys, it’s your boy Xenophage again. I just finished the solo hide-and-seek challenge, and I just wanted to put a warning out there. You should not mess with this stuff. It’s not worth it. I’ll have more info later, but I just needed to get that out. Oh, and your boy totally crushed it! Xenophage69 out baby!”

-Epilogue-

Timmy awoke late the next morning to the sounds of birds and the smells of coffee and bacon. His folks were sitting at the table conversing while his dad read the paper and his mother enjoyed her coffee. He’d made it. After all that fear and excitement, he’d actually made it. He breathed a sigh of relief as he got up, put on his robe, and made his way into the kitchen.

When he arrived, his parents were mid-conversation. He waited for a lull before popping in with “Morning. When did you guys get in? I didn’t hear a thing.”

To his surprise, they continued to face each other and say nothing.

“Hello?” Timmy asked, wondering what this was about.

His father closed the paper and went over to the sink to start some dishes while starting up another discussion with Timmy’s mother.

“It sure is late. Did Timmy stay at a friend’s house last night?”

His mother looked up in thought for a second, “Hm, not that I’m aware of. Maybe he had a long night. You know how he is with that video channel.”

Timmy tried one more desperate plea, but still his parents did not turn towards him. He started walking in the direction of his father. This had to be some kind of prank. It was the only rational thing that Timmy could come up with. His dad was still turned in the direction of the sink when Timmy approached.

“Dad!” Timmy shouted.

He attempted to tap on his shoulder; however, instead of touching his shoulder, Timmy’s hands passed right through.

Suddenly, Timmy’s eyes grew wide and his stomach turned. It was starting to hit him. He was no longer “here”.

After a few hours, Timmy’s parents started to panic. They looked all around the house, called multiple people who may have had information, and yet still had no answers.

Days passed, his parents continued, not giving up hope. They, and a large group of community members, continued search efforts. Timmy’s mom made desperate pleas to the local media, “Timmy, if you are seeing this, we love and miss you so much. We won’t stop searching!”. Timmy was watching; he saw everything, but there wasn’t a single thing he could do about it.

After a few weeks, the search efforts had started to die down, and Timmy’s folks became drained. They walked around the house like zombies, either burying their heads in various vices or desperately searching for any type of clue that could give them any idea about their son’s whereabouts.

One late evening, Timmy’s dad was having one of his desperate searching type of nights. He rummaged through Timmy’s bedroom for what was now the 50th time. He fumbled through drawers, looked under the bed, and all over the closet. Suddenly, an item on Timmy’s nightstand caught his eye: the camera. He’d passed it many times, yet for some reason, never thought to check it for any clues. Quickly, his father grabbed the camera, opened the LED screen, and checked out some footage. Minutes into watching, he started getting sick to his stomach. He closed the viewfinder for a moment and called loudly down the hall, “Hun? Hunny?! I found something that you’re going to want to take a look at.”

THE END

VIDEO VERSION COMING SOON!

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This show is sponsored by: Seasons of Life Memorials

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Episode 201 – Fears

Summary

In this Season 5 premiere episode, I’m joined by special guest/my sister, Jaime Jones. We discuss all things fears: rational fears, irrational ones, childhood fears, and fears we currently have.

Strap in tight. It’s that time of year again. Let’s get spooky!

Music: Karl Casey @ White Bat Audio

*UPDATE 10/26* – Now with improved audio!

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This show is sponsored by: Seasons of Life Memorials

Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/mediapodsmash/support

Episode 200 – The Quest For 200

Summary

After struggling to come up with ideas and experiencing some eerie visions of death, I decided to ask some friends for some help.

This episode features many surprise guests that I don’t want to spoil here, but I encourage you to listen through to the end to hear the full credits.

Music provided by:

Storyblocks &

Karl Casey @ White Bat Audio

Video:

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This show is sponsored by: Seasons of Life Memorials

Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/mediapodsmash/support

Episode 199 – Long Runs, Long Dark, and Deep Pits

Summary

In this special scripted episode, I reflect on finally graduating and trying to climb out of a pit.

Music provided by Storyblocks &

Karl Casey @ White Bat Audio

Video:

To read along:

When I first started my bad habit-breaking journey, it felt like I had a rocket in my ass. I was on a complete roll of positives. I was releasing episodes and other visual projects consistently, I was working out all the time, and I had a great attitude. I’d proven to myself that I could do difficult things, thus giving me great belief in myself. The belief and action was a wicked combo. I could and was doing things that I would’ve probably not thought possible. On a really good day, if I read or heard something extra motivational, watch out.

I remember reading the first David Goggins book during one of those Summers and immediately upon finishing, went on my longest run. It was a personal best of 9 miles. For me, quite a feat, and something that I’ve never been able to replicate. I still remember a lot of that long run. The heat beating down on me, sweat collecting in all the worst spots, but I didn’t care. I’m completely in the zone, doing laps around the block, trying to keep count of laps while also trying to convert laps to miles. In this moment, I am locked in and there’s no going back. “I’m so glad that I’ve gotten into this lifestyle”, I think to myself, “I can’t ever imagine this coming to an end. This is life now.” I grin to myself as I continue to run.

Years later I find myself rifling through the mail in the dining room. I come across a small yellow envelope with my name and address on it. On the bottom of that is more text: Postage Due: $2.93 What the hell is this? I think back to recent packages received. Didn’t think there were any issues with those. I try to think if there’s any incoming mail that it could be, then it hits me. Of course, I know what it is and it makes sense now. The package in question, that’s lacking proper postage, was my degree. Why not just wring me out for a few more bucks as a final goodbye? It is the beginning of March and it’s been some time since my final exam and all the fanfare. It’s about damn time that I get to physically hold this sucker. I was eagerly anticipating it and though I feel a lot of pride for some reason, I’m not feeling a lot of joy or excitement. In fact, you could say I’ve been in a bit of a pit. But why? I should be walking on the clouds. I slayed the school dragon. All my hard work had paid off after all that time. So, what the hell?

Well, it could be the long dark. If you read or listened to any other writings that I’ve had about the Winter season, you know my feelings and how it affects me. If you don’t know my feelings, let’s just say, not fucking great, to sum it up briefly. This year we didn’t have a ton of snow, but lots of seriously cold days and of course, lots of dark. This all makes sense, yet the more I thought, it seemed that my troubles began a little earlier. I’m thinking it was more like Summertime.

It was early June and I had just completed another semester of school. It was a huge relief, as it had meant no more in-person classes. Even more importantly, no more getting up early. This was a huge deal to me because I was in pretty rough shape. It was just the one class, but any morning that consisted of class or classwork would pretty much guarantee that the night before would not be near a solid 8 hours. Probably more like 5 or 6 if I was lucky. I viewed Summer as a potential renewal period. I’d re-energize myself and all my creative endeavors. It was time to get back to the good stuff. The stuff that made me feel alive and proud of my efforts. Not that I didn’t feel proud for completing another semester, but it was a different type of pride. Both are great except there’s nothing quite like having an idea, coming up with a plan, and using all your tools to make it real. Better yet, having a large library that you can look back on. It was time to expand my personal library yet again, but where to start?

Well, I’d start by doing something that I was quite familiar with. Though I wasn’t 100% done with school, I thought I’d write an essay that recapped my new experiences. I’d explain the struggles and attempt to inspire. It would be just the thing I’d need to re-reboot this thing.

The writing of the essay didn’t really take all that long, as everything was fresh on my mind and I had lots of old assignments that I could use to reconstruct the timeline of events. The process was a therapeutic return to form. When it was finally ready to be released and allowed to just exist in the universe, I was proud of myself, however, my blah-ness remained. This wasn’t the cure that I had hoped it would be. What the hell was going on here?

I wasn’t dumb. I understand that an essay wasn’t going to completely save my life. I get that. I was, however, looking for a little bit more of a spark. I needed that old creative routine back. It was time to go bigger. It was time to do something that would be rewarding and challenging over a longer, more consistent stretch. The 31 mother fucking days of Halloween part 3!

“But wait!”, I’d think to myself. School’s not over and I’ve got my worst subject remaining. I’m already drained right now, at this very moment. The plan is to just put my head down, say “fuck it”, and continue? It was a pretty stupid idea, but what would be more stupid would be a Summer that flies by with no effort toward a goal. I knew this would be a great way to dive back in while holding myself accountable. I’d also get to work with some great, creative people again. The battle in my mind was settled. It was on.

My first steps were to finalize the list, or rather, actually construct one. I had some rough ideas in my head, along with dead projects I could resurrect from years gone by, but no real list. The thing is, making a list of ideas and content is pretty easy. I love the holiday and there are so many ways to cover it. There are decades of movies, memories, and creepy topics that a person could fill slots with. They may not all be good ideas, but I could sure as shit build a meaty list. The obvious challenge was always execution.

Having done this twice, I knew what to expect. I had a hard time conceiving a future in which I wouldn’t finish this thing, but hey, shit happens. People go into major things with great intentions all of the time, and unfortunately, it doesn’t always work. I for one, believe that there are a variety of factors that could lead to the collapsing of a passion project such as this.

First of all, a major project killer could simply be the length or overall scope of the project itself. I can think back to a lot of different film ideas and even a crazy podcast-related one involving a major network with daily content. At the very start, there was nothing but positive energy and a can-do attitude. These were sexy new mountains to climb and conquer. As time would progress, reality would set in. These are some fucking high mountains, and I’m not even sure I’ve got all the correct climbing gear. In the example of my podcast network idea, I didn’t really consider what running a podcast network would really mean. It was daily uploads and constantly having fresh content. That’s a lot of discipline, especially for the person that I was when I originally came up with this idea. At the time, I had not even thought about giving up substances. On top of that, energy and creative projects were severely lacking.

My grand pod network died very quickly. The two main podcasts that started it all are still active, which is nice, but no network in sight. I am not saying that you should give up on a project if you come to realize that it’s too large or you get yourself burned out. It may just be time to regroup. Is there a way to scale it down and still produce something cool? Maybe it’s time to shelve it for now and work on something else. It may be a project better suited for future you. A you who has gone through more nasty shit and has gotten a chance to grow more. I’m not ready to ever totally abandon old ideas. There’s always a chance to bring old dreams back to life. Unfortunately, that’s not the only way a good project can collapse. I’ve hit many potholes from lack of results.

For this one, I can actually produce a current example: my YouTube channel. Sometimes I’ll keep kicking a bunch of ideas around for long periods of time. During that time I’ll often ask myself, “Is this even worth all of the effort?”. Oh, man. That’s a great way to just keep these projects in the mind and pages of the journal. It is not crazy to want to see results for your efforts. You may even want to dive into analytics and experiment with new things. Still not crazy. What is crazy though is letting the lack of results stop you. I still struggle with this. The negative self-talk, the blockages, and the refreshing of pages over and over. In the moments of doubt, it’s a good idea to re-calibrate. Yes, the same thing that served as a solution to the first thing that collapse projects can also help this one. You may call it lazy, I just call it a crazy coincidence.

When you take a second to chill out, you can remind yourself why you started. Isn’t it fun and exciting to create beautiful art out of your wildest inner visions? It’s not about pleasing anybody else, it’s about you. Whether you do or do not want to pursue those ideas that you have on the back burner, who cares? Just don’t stop. It does suck pouring your soul into something only to have a small audience and little to no engagement, it really fucking does. But the next one? It could be the one that does it. Maybe not, but what if the views and engagement doubled? After that, who knows how much further you could go? If you stop now, that’s it. You’d never get those elusive results, that again, don’t matter. You did all those projects and most likely had some help along the way, which means you also likely had some great laughs and general bonding moments. This leads me to the third and final big reason why major projects can collapse. The last reason is trying to do too much on your own.

The last example is an easy one: The MPS 31-Days of Halloween marathon. When I first had the idea to do 31 days of content for the month of October, I knew it was bat-shit crazy. I also knew that I could totally pull it off. I started early enough in the year and more importantly, had a kick-ass group of people to help me. If I tried to tackle 31 pieces of content alone, I could easily burn out, come to resent the whole thing, and maybe eventually send it to the half-finished project graveyard. I’m happy to say that I’ve now got a total of three 31-day marathons. Grand things are not often created alone. If you have a grand idea that’s barely hanging on by thread, yet you still think there’s hope, maybe it is time to grow that team.

Now, where the hell was I? Oh yeah, the marathon that I was currently working on. So, I had managed to finish another. We were able to produce a ton of cool shit. New shit, old favorites, just lots and lots of shit. I was pleased and quite proud, but still feeling off. It wasn’t the jolt that I was looking for. The truth is, I don’t think there was or would have ever been a magical jolt. Sometimes you just happen to be in a blah phase of life. The trick in my current situation was to just put my head down and get through it. I was deep into my math class and though it was online, on my time, I was still pretty stressed. It had been so long since I’d done any math and had dumped a lot out of my brain.

Weeks leading up to the class, my head raced with anxiety. I had no idea what to expect. Would I have to memorize a bunch of formulas and shit? “Ah, shut up brain! We made it this far, it’ll be fine!”, I’d often have to remind myself. It was just like before with the other classes. Stay calm and shut down doubts. I had the tools.

Right away, some of my early worries were squashed when I found out that we’d get to use notes for the quizzes and tests. That was a huge help. As long as I could just grasp the material while being able to read my atrocious handwriting, I could actually become a college grad.

By the time Winter rolled around, I was wiped out. Class days were long, and classwork was becoming very tedious. Luckily though, I was feeling much more confident than before. My score was quite high due to the power of consistency and some good test scores. I now knew that I could pass without a doubt. In my exhaustion, I could still really appreciate that feeling. I used to think it was just an associate’s degree and would wonder, what’s the big deal? People may still think that, and it’s totally fine. I don’t see it that way anymore though. This isn’t just a degree, it represents the human spirit. It is years of struggle, a symbol that I can one day look at and know that I didn’t quit. Lastly, it’s a promise fulfilled to a special person.

The final exam was a long cumulative assessment. I had my struggles and didn’t have the complete course lessons fully nailed, yet I didn’t have the usual nerves. I was more filled with anticipation for the end and just some general hype. It’s possible that this would be the last exam that I’d ever take. I didn’t feel like I had to really soak it in or anything like that though. I just wanted my life back. It was time to start full-time creating again.

Of course, I never really stopped creating. A creator never truly stops. Sometimes there just happens to be some lulls in the magic. I don’t ever expect to be a constant, creative robot, and I know the truth about these lulls and creative burnout. I also know when the break has started to feel excruciatingly long. That’s usually when it’s time to force yourself back into things until it feels natural again. I know we sure as hell aren’t here forever. It was great to hit this personal, academic goal. What really gets my motor running though? Creative goals.

When I look back at everything I’ve done, it’s a long-ass list. Some things on there I can barely even remember writing or producing, yet there they are. It’s awesome to have this to look back on whenever I need a boost. I love the reminder to myself that I have the ability to get cool shit done, however, for as long as it is, I feel I’ve barely scratched the surface. There’s still so much to do. For instance, I’d like to be able to make a full-length feature film before I die. A very meaty goal, yes, but I’ve seen and been through some serious shit. I could pull that off. I have ambition, ideas, drive, and lots of awesome friends who are willing to help. The one thing that I really seem to be running out of is time.

One of the first things I did after finishing my exam was make the annual Christmas episode of the podcast. This would be the fifth one since rebooting the podcast back in 2020. Holy shit! Where the hell did all that time go? Even with all of the projects stacking up, whenever I finish a project, it still always just seems like a build-up to something bigger. I can’t help but wonder if I should have seen that project all the way through to the end or come up with a different concept entirely. Was I pushing down a more ambitious project for something easier or more lazy, just so that I could say that I had shot something? Can I still enjoy the process and be strict about deadlines? How the fuck can I possibly be in my 30s already?

Of all those rapid-fire questions, the last one kept replaying in my head as I awoke on the morning of my 34th birthday. It was strange. I wasn’t feeling all that old, but for the last five years or so, things felt like sort of a trance. In my haze, I grieved and created like a madman, never really thinking about age. For some reason though, on this particular Winter morning, it has hit me hard in the face. I guess it was just a matter of time. I know it’s not for some unknown reason. I was already working my way out of a previous hole, and the very obvious fact was that even if you think it’s just another day on the calendar, it represents another year and more sand from the hourglass. For me, it has always been a time for reflection, both on good and not-so-good things.

I started with the bad stuff as I reflected in my cozy bed that morning. I was working very had to pull myself out of the pit, but the Winter was kicking my ass. The long dark was rearing its ugly head and even though it was now weeks after my last exam, there was little to no improvement. I was sleeping like shit, I had lots more anxiety than I was generally accustomed to, and I was often letting my anger get the best of me.

This was no ordinary pit. It lingered long and ran very deep. I had all the right kinds of tools and could even consult old journal entries for inspiration, I just needed more of the right kinds of action. I say the right kind because it’s not like I wasn’t taking any. I was back to creative land, and while that was good, I was neglecting some other things that were a pretty big deal. Everything matters. A balance is needed to maintain optimal life. Words that I so obviously knew, yet in recent practice, that’s all they became. Nothing more than hollow, useless, words. Since starting school, I had slowly started letting workouts slip until they got to the point where three solid efforts a week would be considered a good week. The lack of workouts affected my overall motivation and consistency. From there I started going heavy on the energy drinks, spending a lot of nights tossing and turning. Small slips turned into big ones, and soon enough I got very comfortable with this life. It’s not like work and school wasn’t a lot of work. I did deserve to have breaks, but I also deserved way better treatment from myself.

I looked up at the fast-spinning blades of the fan, still deep in thought. “I’ve got to turn this around. I will turn this around.” The first step towards doing that, in my mind, was to shift from the bad and focus now on some good. For one thing, I finally fucking graduated. It was a big deal. I still remember that young, unmotivated, asshole very well. That version of me was a big dreamer, which I’m so grateful for, but the drive just wasn’t there. I often skated by, just feeling that everything would work out because up until that point, everything had. I was a rather privileged person. I wasn’t rich or anything, but I had a pretty cushy childhood. I had good friends and tried just hard enough to get through high school. I assumed that with big dreams and hope, you could have whatever you wanted. I had never meant to get myself so far off course, I just got to a point where giving up seemed to be the most viable option. Worse yet, I just felt I wasn’t good enough for all this stuff anymore. What I was good at? Partying.

With partying being the new focus and sole motivation, that degree seemed to fade more and more with each passing year, until I eventually stopped thinking about it altogether. If only that drunken bastard could see me now.

More good? It was my birthday, which meant I made it another year. I was in good health too. In fact, I was feeling much better now than I had felt through a lot of my 20s. I could now feel my eyes grow less heavy and an overall shift in my energy. “Come on pal, we’re not that old yet, but at the same time, move your fucking ass!”

Later that day, we visited a mall and walked around for a bit, as per my special birthday request, of course. I felt a little bit frustrated because my Dad had insisted on a specific restaurant for that evening. It was a detail that had been mentioned to me previously, like over a week ago previously. Oops. Damn this memory! This kept options limited for birthday plans in the afternoon. To be fair though, it was also my Dad’s birthday. I know, crazy shit, right? With that in mind, I figured maybe it was just a place he really liked, so it was whatever.

When I made my way into the crowded restaurant that evening, I was immediately thrown off guard. The first figure to catch my eye was my friend Johnnie. What a weird coincidence! A few more feet in, plenty more familiar faces. Now it all makes sense why this specific place at this specific time. My family had thrown me a surprise birthday/graduation party. There were lots of family, friends, and great food. The fact that I had felt any frustration had now made me feel like an asshole. I couldn’t sit and dwell on it though, as I was working my way out of the pit as it was. What I could do was try to learn from it and do my best to change. Actually, it’s more of a responsibility to myself and less of a “could”. Being aware of one’s own assholeishness is just half the battle.

I tried to stay in the moment and just enjoy every bit of that party. It had been so long since I’d seen some of these people and had no idea when I’d see some again. Another reality of that ticking clock is the fact the lives get busy, thus making things more difficult to plan. I try to acknowledge these moments. More good stuff to add to the list from the morning: friends and family. I have a long list of really cool, supportive, people. That’s something not everybody gets to say.

My list of good was looking, well, good! I was happy to be back into some positive thinking again, but I kept myself in check. It’s not an overnight process to get back to the warm and fuzzy days of discipline and non-stop content creation. Forward progress is always killer though.

The party wrapped up as I said my goodbyes and shoveled one last piece of cake into my mouth. A few months passed and I find myself holding that letter about the postage. I think about the previous journey, among others. The long run, the long dark, and pits. If I didn’t write it down, sometimes it’d be hard to believe. I shift my eyes down toward the contents of the letter once more. The upcoming graduation ceremony would be the final milestone of this back to school saga. It would then be time for the next challenge. I had no clue what would be next on the agenda, but I looked forward to it.

We’re now in the present moment and it is time to wrap things up. I still have no major future plans, just a few ideas. I would also say, I’m not fully out of my pit. I don’t see a clear path to get back to those manic years of creation. It’s also possible that going back to an exact replica of that is no longer possible.

What I am doing, however, is going back to basics. I’m using tools that I’ve acquired from past lessons. I’m listening to positive audio and getting more positive myself. My head is down and I’m putting in work. I’m continuing to write, even if it comes out sloppy on paper and often sounds like the rantings of a lunatic. I’ll continue to hold my large dreams close to my heart, realizing that the clock keeps on ticking. I’ll see this age, acknowledge it, finish mourning the loss of the previous one, and finally let it go. There’s a whole lifetime of magic ahead of me. I’ll never know if I need to catch up or how deep the pits will get. I don’t know a lot of things, but I’ll continue to battle until I can no longer hold a pen…which I hope is not for a long, long time. I mean, come on, 34 isn’t that old, right? Right?!

Media Pod Smash, off!

END

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Episode 190 – Adult Learning & The Long Dark

Summary

I am happy to finally present a long overdue essay, Adult Learning & The Long Dark. This is the whole story of my journey going back to college as an adult. I hope you’ll find some of these stories relatable and maybe even able to inspire.

Episode #190 – Adult Learning and The Long Dark

I was staring at a magic glowing entity – not unlike the version of Mr. Burns from that classic Simpsons episode. “What have I done?”, I recall asking it. The entity stared for a moment and blinked before proceeding, “Exactly what you wanted.”

That was it? I followed this bastard all the way through the mystical forest and up the magical mountain for this? I waited a bit to see if the entity would dispense any more words. Its mouth opened as I leaned in with anticipation, but it was no words coming out. Instead, a familiar tune…a melody. Oh, shit. This is all a sham, I’m dreaming.

It’s all over and I’m left in a mess of sheets, confusion, and some sweat. Sorry, I don’t know what to tell ya. People sweat sometimes and the dream was pretty intense. Besides all that, the other thing lying in bed beside me was a promise that I had made to myself. I was going to go back to school and the clock was ticking. I had to get my ass in gear. Sure, when a mic is rolling and a person is all fired up, it’s easy to say things like “I’m going back to school to honor my mother and make myself proud!” It’s a real feel-good proclamation. But to get out of bed on this brisk morning, weeks later, to even get one step in motion? Well, that’s a different story.

Looking back on past achievements, it was easy to see what I needed to do: simply take the first step and gain momentum. Make it real and start checking off boxes. The steps I needed were just the steps to get across the room.

The month was March. Most of the worst of winter was behind us for the year, but cold weather and gray snow continued to linger, and would for a while. To combat my feelings of dread from the long dark and conjure up the momentum that I was seeking, I took place in another 30-day challenge. The first challenge that I tried was a year before this and involved giving up energy drinks. The positive vibes created an avalanche, and over those 30 days, I ended up picking up quite a few great new habits while ridding myself of nasty, overly caffeinated energy drinks. Surly, this new one could be the jump start that I needed. From there, I could continue the progress and get some other big things accomplished.

Like many “event” type things in our lives, this one started with a bang. I was highly motivated and taking on a daily challenge was exciting. As weeks progressed, it became tougher to keep the same level of enthusiasm. By the final week, I had to hit the brakes. I got hit with a terrible sickness and a concerning knee injury. Early in the challenge, my knee started looking a feeling weird, but like any rational human, I ignored it, just hoping it would go away on its own. It did not, however, and was now larger and more fluid-filled than ever before. I had to finally throw my hands up and make that appointment call that oh so many people dread.

I’ll be honest, I’m pretty big on avoiding things and putting things off. I build up what the potential outcomes could be in my head and often freeze in place. So what if my knee looks like a grapefruit? I’m sure it’s no biggie. Bodies do weird things from time to time. I’m sure if I had more pain, I would’ve been more motivated, but it was just a big knee. Eventually, I knew I had to do something. After recovering from my sickness, I worked up the courage to make the call and get to the doctor. After a slight insurance annoyance, I got in. I was given prednisone and told to wrap it up. Damn. Not that I wanted anything invasive, but that was one expensive wrap. It did do the trick after about a week, so I was content. With no physical distractions to focus on now, it was time to turn my attention towards the other thing taking residency in my head.

I’d be lying if I were to say that I took action right away. The month of May sort of came and went without any major fanfare. In general, it’s a pretty packed month for me. There’s holiday fun to be had, there’s an annual convention that I attend, and it is the month in the Midwest where you can finally breathe for a bit and not have to worry about any more of that shitty white stuff falling from the sky. Of course, none of these are all that valid of excuses. I could have found the time to start the application process but didn’t. I mostly think that the initial build-up of what I needed to do in my head was huge. It had been so long and I had gotten so, so comfortable. Maybe it was a stupid idea anyhow-no, no, what am I saying? It wasn’t stupid. My new and improved mindset and inner voice were quick to change that narrative. It will be a very difficult thing to do. It will reacquaint me with feelings that I haven’t had in years. There will be sleepless nights, most likely, and the deadlines…oh man, that’s going to suck. Stupid though? Never. I had to remind myself that I was no longer that guy who walked away from it all and gave up. Not even the slightest.

By the time June rolled around, I wasn’t dragging my heels anymore. My stupid, positive overriding thoughts were right. It was going to be a lot of things, but never something that I’ll regret. So, I filled out my application, wrote a pretty killer essay, if I do say so myself, and crossed my fingers. It was up to the higher powers now.

Recent Summers have become a time for ice-cold n/a beers and lounging around without a care in the world. It was a bit of a different vibe this time. There were still plenty of n/a brews to be had, but the world’s weight pressed itself a little more heavily on me than usual. I felt that my odds of being accepted were good, but I couldn’t be certain. I was still on academic probation from before and didn’t have the best resume. If not for the film club, I wouldn’t have done shit or had shit to put on a list. Luckily, I heard back rather quickly.

It was around mid-July when it became real. I was officially going back to school. The old pressure of waiting for the mail lifted and a brand-new pressure instantly applied itself. My head spun with the thoughts of finances, getting up, studying, and those damn deadlines. Holy shit! Shut up, brain! It seemed like a lot, but everything seems like a lot until you chunk it down. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all anxiety. I was also very excited to return and grow as a human. Even though I did have my nerves, I knew that it’d be different this time. I’ve learned a lot about embracing the suck since my last time on campus. If I didn’t get something this time around, it wouldn’t be, “Oh, well”. It’ll be something more like, “Oh well, I guess I’m going to keep sitting here until it does make sense.” Yes, paying big bucks had a lot to do with the change in attitude as well, but I know I’m a far cry from that guy who walked out and gave up for a life of retail.

After a well-earned vacation toward the end of August, I rolled up my sleeves and got into student mode. One of the most noticeable differences right away was being able to attend a virtual orientation since I was a non-traditional student. No worries about having to “spirit” it up with young strangers and dodge flying university swag, like stress balls and tote bags. It was going to be nice to ease into things.


One of the first major steps before school started, was meeting with my advisor and making sure all the loose ends were tied and correct classes were signed up for. I had a pretty solid idea of what was left though and unfortunately for me, I put off a lot of what I would’ve considered the “tough” classes until the end. I needed at least one science with a lab, a mix of random other science credits, and one math class. As we wrapped up our meeting, I continued to glance down at my schedule and that annoying inner voice came back to question my choices. “What are we doing? This is going to suck!” I quickly tried to push these thoughts away. “No it won’t…okay, maybe it will, but nothing that I can’t handle.” It was becoming more and more apparent that I’d have to start preparing myself for more of these “psych-up” sessions. I was living such a dreamy and cushy life of energy drinks, late-night video game sessions, and plenty of ESPN background noise. The apple cart was about to get fucking rocked.


Summer was eventful and quick. Vacations, video editing, and various mini-panic attacks packed my calendar full. I squeezed what I could out of the remainder of my time and just like that, I tore another page off the wall and it was September.


My first in-person class was on Tuesday and Thursday at 10:30 am. It was a little bit early for me, but I could handle it. I’d get out of work at 11 pm and still have a pretty good chunk of time to wind down. The only other class that I had that semester was Bio Anthropology online. No lecture to attend, just a shit ton of reading. Most importantly, reading on my own time, when most convenient for me. Having dabbled a bit in self-discipline, I thought nothing I could not handle. There was a thought of maybe adding a 3rd class to try and expedite things, however, after some thought, I decided against it. In hindsight, this was a wise choice.


The lead-up to the first day involved a bit of overthinking and a visit to the campus to locate my classroom and the optimal lot to park in. After that, my mental checklist was complete. It was the real deal now. One week later, I was on my way to the start of a new future. As I made my morning commute to the building, it was hard to believe that this was happening. Years and years of thinking, then deciding and yet more thinking and overthinking.

The drive was much better this time around. In the years since going the first time, they made a bypass that was a direct route to campus. Gone were the days of driving an extra 10 or so minutes through a random subdivision. It wasn’t a huge deal, but every small win was a win and helped add to the momentum. When I finally made it to my destination and went inside, it was like I was instantly transported back to 2010. It wasn’t ancient history, so I didn’t expect major change as far as the interiors were concerned. My interiors, on the other hand, had some pretty high standards set for me.

No matter what, the first day is always usually a breeze. Unless of course, you get lost or you have a teacher that decides to say, “screw the syllabus, we’re diving right in!” In the case of this Geology 101 class that I was currently sitting in, this was looking like one of those breeze kinda days bay-bee! It was looking like we wouldn’t even have to do one of those weird ice-breaker activities. This could be alright. As I looked around the room, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit out of place. I wasn’t that much older, and non-traditional learners seemed to be becoming a more common thing, yet I still had to wonder how I would be able to relate to some of these Gen Zs. When it comes to current trends, I don’t know shit about fuck. And yes, that’s a precise measurement.


For the first semester, it would turn out, none of that mattered. My in-person class had very little participation. I was even right about not having the ice-breaker, getting-to-know-you type thingy. As for my other class, it was entirely self-guided online, aside from weekly discussion posts. It was looking like I could cross a few worries off my list for the time being, and focus on others, which was good. It had become a pretty lengthy list.


The first couple of weeks were pretty simple. Lots of introductions and some basic concepts. Great, I can sit here and learn this stuff. My geology professor was very engaging and funny, so that helped a lot. The hardest part was just having to adjust my schedule to be able to sleep and pack more into my days. With working 2nd shift, I’d get home at 11 and would have to be on the road by 9:40 to be on time for the 10:30 class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It was a tad early, but not extreme. I still had a little bit of time to wind down after work, which is good, because a lack of decompression time can drive a person crazy.

With the other days in the week, I’d have to find the time to do the online class with a lab component. I wondered how a self-guided lab was going to work, though my spirits remained high at the start of the journey. I could certainly absorb information and I was going to be continuing my pep talks, so really, how bad is this going to be?

Stupid hero of the story, don’t you know you aren’t supposed to ask silly questions like that? Week three came and started to ramp up. I was desperately still trying to keep the Halloween magic alive while making sure not to slip on studying or assignments. Let’s talk assignments for a second.

Having never taken an online class before, I had no idea what to expect and had never experienced discussion posts before. I would have to say, I’m not a huge fan of those and get the impression that many others are not either. On non-locked posts, if you find yourself late to the party, it is really hard not to sound like you are just vomiting up another person’s answer. As for replies, I always feel like I’m a robot writing a generic post. “Interesting post, human! I gained a lot of insight!” I mean, some stuff there just isn’t a lot to say. Other assignments included reading articles and answering questions. Some of the articles could be pretty dense and I found out pretty early on through some oddly brief feedback, that the answers needed to be pretty damn detailed. I’m not trying to make this a bitch and moan fest, but the workload was heavy. Still, though, I was putting out content and getting my stuff turned in on time.

I had a prime parking spot for my in-person class and as we had gotten into a rhythm, it seemed like there wasn’t going to be a lot of homework, aside from studying for the tests, of course. I thought that I was doing a great balancing act. That was until October rolled around. Besides spooky vibes this year, I’d also be receiving a giant wake-up call.

My first big exam came at the end of week 4. This was for the online class and consisted of two parts; a machine-graded, multiple-choice section worth 70 points, and three short answer questions worth 10 points each, instructor-graded. Creative endeavors continued to take up the bulk of my time while I tried my best to study the material.

Again, since I wasn’t the greatest student back in the day, I didn’t have many good study strategies. At the start of this thing, I mostly just read and re-read a bunch of stuff, hoping to absorb it. And honestly, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of doing so. The early topics were about Darwin and evolution concepts. I’m no dummy, I thought. I get it. I’ve been around this scientific block before. It is all good. It was almost a weird overconfidence despite all of the other anxieties that I was facing. It felt really good up on that perch. I was a majestic, beautiful bird who towered above it all, not knowing what he didn’t know. Then, test day arrived.

Another interesting element of taking an online class was the flexibility with test times. The test would unlock on a certain day and you’d be given two days to complete it. I thought this option would give me more freedom and less to worry about, though I started to learn more about myself and found this option got me feeling even more overwhelmed. Sounds insane, but I just couldn’t seem to figure out the “perfect” time to take the exam. After work on Friday to get it out of the way? Saturday morning after a run, so that I’m all fired up? Saturday night? Or possibly even Friday before work, so I could enjoy the weekend fully? These were all the maddening things that swirled through my head.

I decided to take my first one on Friday before work. Logically, the option of getting ready and possibly working out prior was probably the best, yet at the end of the day, there’s only so much extra you can wring out of that brain. You are either prepared or not prepared for the test. I probably could have been much better prepared. I scored 49 out of 70 for part one. Bye-bye perch. That meant that I had to have some damn good short answers. Even then, the best that I’d be able to get was a 79. Oof. I was hoping for a much better start than that. Luckily, he went easy on our first round of short answers. I ended up only getting a couple of points off in that section. A slight silver lining, but I was not happy.

This was not my best and certainly not the way to get off of academic probation. The score was a huge punch in the gut. My doubt started creeping back in. My office, once a creative factory of wonders, was now my version of “the very bad place”. Like Jason’s shack or the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house, the location took on a life of its own and was now a dreadful place to hang around.

Still stinging, I tried my best to shake things off and enjoy the weekend. I knew I just needed a plan and a pep talk. First, the pep talk. I first called my sister. I thank the universe for having someone so supportive and encouraging to help me out of deep pits. The conversation was helpful, even though it didn’t stop me from dwelling on it during work that night. The next pep-talk was from me. “Look dude, it’s not like we bombed it. I can’t even believe that we’re here! That’s awesome! We got this. Grow and get a plan.”

Fortunately, I was having a much easier time with the other class. The concepts were much easier to grasp and the test material was a little more predictable. It still took some late nights and intense study sessions, but the outcome and feelings were much better. The exact timeline is a little hazy. All I know is that the results of this test came after my online exam, and I was now starting to feel more self-confident. Okay, one bad score and one great, not bad, I thought. Two passed tests at the end of the day. The ship remained floating above the water. Even with the other score taking the edge off, it was hard not to keep thinking about the bad results. Thoughts of academic probation and worries of failure danced through my head at night. Some nights were just a complete wash as I’d toss and turn inside my sweaty sheets. I was also stressing about still trying to get some October content released.

We were deep into the month and though the effort remained, it was far from the previous two years. Happy or not with my output thought, it would still prove to be too much with a potential degree on the line. I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t doing enough on the school side of things. It was re-calibration and planning time, for real.

By the end of October, I had a half-assed collection of spooky content for the year and some eye-opening test attempts. I’d like to say that I immediately learned how to be a great student and never under-performed again, but alas, there was still some more growth and harsh realities in store for me. The 2nd time around for my online test, I thought I’d try to take it on Friday after work, instead of before. More time for my brain to wake up, a little more time to cram, this will be great. I did do better on the machine-graded part…by one question. Fuck.

In the end, I ended up with a worse score than the first exam, due to a more harsh level of grading for the written portion this time. I was beyond devastated. The next day was supposed to be a fun outing at the Milwaukee Zoo. Boo At The Zoo to be exact. They decked out the zoo with decorations, music, and activities for the season. Normally, I’d be psyched about such an event, but I was still reeling. I know I still passed and I know I didn’t have any major plans to become a biological anthropologist. I still just couldn’t stop thinking about the academic probation thing. I needed to stay above 2.0. I would do calculations obsessively. I looked like the crazy conspiracy guy with the board full of papers with various strings connecting them in various ways.

I also know that I had to find a way to calm the hell down. This was a whole new challenge, and hell yeah there were going to be bumps. Despite my best efforts, that weekend was mostly a wash. The one way that I did try to salvage things a bit, was by trying to squeeze out more points and momentum from a lab. Besides, they had looming due dates anyway, so better now than panicking a couple of nights before.

There were 5 labs total. 3 were due pretty early on in the semester, and the last 2 were due at the end. I didn’t think these would haunt me as much as they did. I liked the self-guided idea and at first, all those due dates seemed so far away. My biggest concern was just the unknown. I was rusty and didn’t know how much prior knowledge these things would require. Pep-talk time; it had been a while and I was stressing the hell out on a Sunday evening. “Who gives a shit what’s on the lab? I am the guy now! Can you read the instructions and breathe? Awesome! Do the lab!”

The first lab was about genetics. There was just a small moment of panic at the start, in which I saw some walls of text with some very science-y and complicated-sounding words. “Get a hold of yourself, man!” I dug in. I pretended that I was doing an editing project. Sometimes I can throw myself so into editing a video that I’ll get in a flow state and not realize that a night has passed. The sun is getting ready to rise and I can hear the birds. Sure, this kind of thing isn’t nearly as fascinating, but that doesn’t matter. Human will and determination over a little bit of boredom and the loss of a Sunday night.

The lab ended up going well, and by November, I was feeling like I was back on more solid ground again. The results of my 2nd in-person exam were excellent. Over 100% percent with the points from the extra credit. In the online course, I continued to grind through the readings and discussions, absorbing as much information as I could along the way. Creative stuff started to slow down once I uploaded the Halloween special. I knew I’d return in a big way, but right now I had to be real. I continued to calculate scores like a madman, as I prepped for the third Bio Anthropology exam.

This time around, I tried to implement a bit of a new strategy. All this reading was daunting. I wasn’t crazy about it and wasn’t sure if it was my style of learning. I didn’t stop reading, but I did add an app to my arsenal called “Speechify”. It allowed me to take pictures of the textbook and have it read back to me on my phone through the app. I could even get a variety of fun celebrity voices, like Snoop Dogg. Now that’s how to learn about ancient history! And I swear, they aren’t paying me for this, it just helped. I was now able to listen to my textbook chapters at work, on walks, or during various downtime. I also re-added listening to motivational audio. With all the chaos lately, I had been slacking on a lot of my usual “rah-rah” stuff. It was important to try to get that routine back in place.

Without getting myself motivated and pumped up in various ways, I started to notice a negative chain reaction. Without positive talk, it can be really easy to slip on the other positive things that I built up in my life. Among the lack of listening to audio was a lack of workouts. The lack of workouts made it difficult to sleep at night. I was in desperate need of hype.

On the decent days when I had time and energy, I’d ride my bike and listen to motivational compilations on YouTube. I tried to take advantage of the nice days, knowing that the long dark was on the way. This was maybe going to be one of the longest and darkest in quite some time. I wouldn’t be able to lock myself indoors and let it all blow over. It’d be life and class routine no matter the temperature or feelings. I tried not to think too much about it, though. Exam three was fast approaching. It was time to see if my re-calibrations were working.

This time, I decided that I’d try and take the test early Saturday afternoon, after breakfast and a workout. I would then reward myself by going to see Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving. This was my most solid plan yet. I felt pretty good and secure in my knowledge. The day arrived, I did my rituals and dove in. The time ticked down, I reached deep into my well of info, and I battled hard. When it was finally over, no cheers or fanfare. Nearly the same outcome. This sucked! I felt like with the audio I had a much better grasp. Maybe it was helping, but my other methods were still cloudy. In what was becoming an all too familiar pattern, I felt pretty down on myself and had a hard time enjoying the rest of the weekend. I didn’t even see the movie. I mostly just wallowed in my exam results and tried another last-ditch salvage attempt with a Sunday night lab session.

It was difficult to press on after repeated rough test scores. I had to make sure that I also celebrated the positives, as much as the negative things were bringing me down. I had an excellent score in my Geology class. At this point, I’d have to stop showing up to fail. So, that was one thing.

Another thing was the upcoming Winter break. Time to catch up on sleep and know that you never have to take either of those classes again.

Before that break, I’d have a final for each class, and of course, those final labs. In the final remaining weeks, there were also little things like the continued discussions and homework. Generally, aside from a few minor errors, I always managed to turn in posts and homework and get my points. I took pride in my consistency and knew that every point mattered. The feedback was always pretty brief, however, it was also generally accompanied by full credit, so it was whatever. That was until one particular assignment that I must have been a little more careless with. When I received my feedback this time, there were a few more words: “more info needed from the article”, along with partial credit. Damn, okay. I guess maybe I was getting a little bit relaxed here with the end of the semester coming up. Next time, I’ll remember that.

For the assignment that next week, I decided to go all in on the details. I wrote a mini-essay and made sure not to miss any part of the question. It was maybe a bit of overkill, but I wanted those damn points.

A couple of days later, I got my feedback: “I have a hard time believing that you wrote this yourself, but I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.” Wait, what? That was the last thing that I was expecting. This dude thought that I used AI for this? I write everything! He didn’t know me and AI is used by students, so I had to try not to overreact. I also couldn’t let this distract me from finals and the labs. An email would be my plan after sleeping on it. Yes, I had the points, but I still had to say something. I needed to state my case. The only thing that I was guilty of, was being “too cute” with my answer. I worried that this would have an impact on an upcoming lab that required us to write an essay. Would he think that I used AI for this, too?

I calmly stated my case, while making sure to mention my writing hobby/passions. The essays, screenplays, and whatnot. I said all that I could without going overboard and hit submit. It felt nice to stand up for myself, even if the reply was still unknown. It would be a bit of time before I got a response. He said that I used concepts that were not in the article and that was about it. He also reiterated that he had given me the benefit of the doubt. To this day, I’ll tell you, what he said isn’t true. Anything that I wrote was written by me and obtained solely from the article provided. I had to move on with my life though. I wasn’t about to go back and forth with this guy. It was what it was. All I had was my word and my best effort. I pressed on.

The only other thing that I did do, was meet with my advisor. I just wanted to make a quick mention of the incident and give my side of the story, just in case anything else happened. The month continued with some decent weather days. There was no need to ring the long dark alarm bell just yet. The only creative project that I was concentrating on, was my annual Christmas Special. Wear something silly and play some games. A simple tradition that I couldn’t break. The rest of the time was just grinding it out.

It took a few weeks to complete the essay lab. After going down some rabbit holes of research, I can say I did get some enjoyment from the paper, and dare I say, learned some cool stuff. With the prior AI question in the back of my mind, I just tried as best I could to give it my voice.

With just a few weeks to go, I was down to one more lab, two finals, and a handful of small assignments. I was pretty burned out my this point and just happened to get hit with a sickness. Of course. Why not just add one more thing, oh great and powerful universe? “Break was coming”. I’d make sure to keep reminding myself.

The last lab was pretty sweet. He saved the best for last. It was a forensic science lab, in which you had to examine three example bodies and figure out details about them. It put us in the role of detective and felt more like a game than actual school work. Finishing that lab was a huge relief. Since the beginning of the semester, I felt like each lab was an added weight. I’d dream of these labs and deadlines. They’d float above, making ghostly “oooo” noises, haunting me. I remember marking the due dates on my calendar and checking every so often, to see how many days remained, much like my insane grade calculation sessions.

With a little less than a week to go, I had to just worry about the finals. Geology was pretty much a lock, while online I was at least feeling a little better than the previous ones. Before the test, I got a bit of relief in the form of graded labs. To my amazement, I ended my last set of labs with 100’s. The essay that I was concerned about? 100! This was great news. The past three tests were full of stress and pressure. I welcomed these finals with open arms. It had all been building toward this. Sit down, do your best for a couple of hours, and then you will be free.

The results were my best yet. I killed it on the multiple choice and did alright on the written. With the score of this exam, plus all the labs, I was able to bring my overall grade to an A-. The Geology final also went well, as expected. I ended that class with a solid A. All that worrying and all the sleepless nights had been worthwhile. I was at the end of semester one. There was a way to go, but I’d get a well-deserved Winter break.

As expected, the time off flew by. I had a wonderful holiday and was able to increase my creative output for a bit. It was nice to recharge the batteries while also not having to worry about getting up early. I was a little worried about getting too comfortable, as I had about a month of time off. That’s ample time to get back into the old swing of things. The long dark was now in full effect, as well. There were plenty of snowy, shitty, gray days during my time off. “Don’t get comfy!” I’d keep trying to remind myself that the war wasn’t over. By the third or fourth week, I caught up with plenty of games, made a bunch of content, and was starting to feel pretty lazy. “Wake up, motivation guy! This was just round one.”

One of the best things about achieving great things is the fact that you can now use that achievement to help drive you towards more. Like a resume’ of sorts, your past list is proof to yourself that you’ve done it, and can certainly do it again. My energy was starting to wane, but I looked back at my resume. This was indeed, only the first round, and even though I didn’t exactly feel ready, I moved forward. Semester two, here we come.

It was now the end of January. I was in a rocky mental state with the long dark in full force and rising self-doubts from the anticipation of this upcoming class. For this semester, I decided that I was going to take just one class and lab. The class was Environmental Ethics, in person. As convenient as online was, it was nice to have a break from it and get my office back to Smashland. I didn’t know anything about this class, it just happened to check a lot of boxes. I sat in my messy office, a newly 33-year-old frantically scanning a computer screen. I was reading the syllabus and flipping shit. This all sounded like a lot. I paused, then called my sister. Like our conversation after my first botched test, this was helpful.

It was pretty silly to worry, having just come out of the epic battle with two A’s and most importantly, off of academic probation. A lot of pressure was off. I proved to myself that I am that guy now. Will it still suck going forward? Yes! It’s going to be okay though.

The format of this class was odd. It was co-taught. One teacher for the environmental side of things, and one for the philosophy side. On day one, that thing that I didn’t want to have to happen on the first day of my other in-person class, happened! The weird getting-to-know-you, ice-breaker thingy. It was awkwardville and I was the mayor. I should also mention that the class began with an announcement that there would be a two-hour delay due to nasty weather. Great start.

Still, though, I held my head up high and tried to stay positive. Besides the ice breaking on the roads and in the classroom, the rest of the day was a breeze. Gotta love syllabus day. By the end of the day, my mind was a bit more at ease about the content of this class. It was going to be interesting to see how the two elements being taught would come together. I was also informed that we’d be taking some field trips during the semester. Adult field trips? Hell yeah!

A major adjustment for me again, was getting up. This time I had to get up at 7 am, leave by 7:45ish, and be to class by 8:30. It was rough. I never quite got into a rhythm with it. A lot of mornings seemed to come so quickly. “No, it can’t be!” It so totally was though.

I kept doing the things that I was supposed to do. As weeks went by, I never really stopped feeling like a zombie from the sleeplessness, but I was squashing a lot of previous worries. The labs, for instance, weighed heavy in my mind going into this thing. I’d only ever done the self-guided ones. What would the groups be like? How hands-on are we talking? Will there be math? Am I old, weird, and not able to relate to anyone now?

Turned out, the labs were fine. Lots of article reading and in-class discussions about lots of modern environmental issues. One of the labs was even about the ethical use of AI. What a difference a semester makes, I thought. One minute I’m getting accused of using it, the next semester, I’m embracing and learning about it. The people in the class were great. Everyone was super nice and helpful. Groups were constantly changing, so you got to know a lot of different people.


Big tests came in the form of, well, tests. That and some pretty large projects. There were two projects worth the same as doing an exam. One was a group project with presentation elements. The other project was a solo presentation about a local environmental supporter.

Based on what my other in-person class was like, I didn’t think that I’d be doing so much stuff. A lot of it ended up being very educational, so I’m not complaining. I was more just surprised.

Just before the midterms, I was in a pretty solid spot. I had aced the first exam and was staying on top of all the assignments and discussions. It was time to finish this thing off.

The group assignment went so smoothly, that it is hardly worth talking about. Everyone did what they were supposed to, we got the points. Having read some horror stories about college group assignments on Reddit, I was quite relieved. I even happened to kinda know one of the people in my group. It turned out that I had his mom as a teacher way back in the day, so that was cool.

For the solo presentation, I had the perfect spot, and it was practically a stone’s throw away. The place was called Michael Fields, an agricultural research institute. There were many acres of farm fields with lots of different experimenting being done. The main building was an area with an office where they would host different community events, such as farmer’s markets. I had a previous connection to this building because back in high school, I worked at a bakery that was located on the grounds. As I worked in the kitchen and peered out the window, I would always wonder what they did back there. Over a decade later, I’d learn more than I could ever possibly imagine.

I first reached out on social media and then was directed to an email that I could send a message to. I stated clearly what my plans were, identified who I was, and heard back fairly quickly. It wasn’t long before I was marking down a date on my calendar. It was set. This got me thinking about accessing places. In the future, if there is a place that interests me, I could always just say that I’m a student. Doesn’t seem like many people will question you, and you’ll get yourself a free sightseeing tour.

I hated getting up, but it was nice to fill my mornings with a little more variety and step out of my comfort zone. I was feeling very well-rounded. These past two semesters had me doing many things that I wouldn’t normally be doing if it weren’t for going back. As I walked around the institute, snapping photos, and asking plenty of questions, I thought some thoughts about the nature of life. It sure is crazy the places where our paths start to branch off after making a major change.

My presentation on Michael Fields went great. The person showing me around provided me with tons of information. My focus was on a special type of grain that they were growing, Kernza: A deep, perennial grain that can be used as an annual wheat substitute. When the tour was over, I was given a bag of Kernza to try, so I decided that I’d make some Kernza cookies to go along with my presentation. You can never go wrong with cookies. Going up in front of class was a little bit shaky, but nothing like it used to be. I was a lot less intimidated this time around, plus I knew that I had an interesting slide show to provide. I would also like to think that the previous few years of spewing into a microphone helped me out.

After midterms, I had two big projects and two big exams behind me, I was in another comfortable position. It would have to be a royal screw-up now to not pass this thing, which was good. It sounded like I was nailing this thing, which was true, but the days were still not all that great in terms of weather. Each morning, I found myself getting more and more drained. Some days were quite the battle as I’d say to myself, “Come on pal, what’s one little missed class? I hadn’t missed a single one yet, who would care?” I know myself and I know how avalanches work though, and so I stayed strong.

The long dark finally subsided and I could see hints of better weather around the start of April. This also happened to be when we started the field trips. Again, I found myself doing some very unique things that I probably wouldn’t have done if it weren’t for school. Our first trip was to a water treatment plant. It wasn’t the most exciting thing in the world, but I did see some cool stuff, and going on location beats a classroom setting every time.

The other location that we would visit, multiple times, was the Field Station. This was an area in a building with a wildlife rescue center and tons of surrounding land. There was also a small classroom in the building where we would all meet at the start. Each visit was a new experience and lesson. We learned about prairie restoration, Aldo Leopold and his Land Ethic, and I one point I found myself wadding around in the river collecting macro-invertebrates with a net.

It was a wild end to the year. One day I’m panicking in my bedroom about a shitty score, the next I’m getting in touch with nature and collecting specimens. I wasn’t ever taking on a full load, but I certainly felt like I was getting the full experience.

With the weather finally getting better, my mental health followed closely behind. Mornings were a bit easier with the chirping of birds and sunlight. The commute could still be a drag at times, but it was what it was. I was so close to the end, that was all the motivation that I needed.

By May, I was already looking ahead at plans and all the things that I would do once I had my life back for a while. I was jonesing for some creativity and who knows what else. I was just happy to be heading into another break. The final for the class was a 98 thanks to some extra credit, and perhaps a little bit of luck from the universe. I couldn’t ask for a better end to class and more importantly, the year. I had gone through the wringer, gotten beaten down, lost lots of sleep, and questioned my sanity and intelligence, and I don’t regret an entire thing. I was once that guy who left school and dreamed of going back, but ultimately just stared at old transcripts and spun my wheels.

Now, I could say that I took the steps and did it. Holy shit. At this very moment, I know I’m not done. I still have a stupid math class lingering over my head for next fall, and then of course, there’s the whole question of what’s after that. I was happy that I did this, but another two years in a traditional classroom setting? I don’t know. Maybe some more soul-searching is in order this Summer.


Here’s what I do know: There is an unbelievable power in each of us. We can do hard things that at one point, our past selves would have thought nearly impossible. We can keep our word and do right by ourselves and the important people in our lives. We can find redemption through commitment and challenge. We can grow way beyond what we thought was possible. We can do it all if we make a decision and start. It’s scary and there will be plenty of unknowns.

You may fall off your perch and start to look around, wondering what the hell is going on, but it will all be okay. Everything ends. The good and the bad things all wrap up at some point. It may not seem like the end will ever come, but it does. I write this right now, still in amazement. It is finally over…for now. Like all good schlocky horror films, a sequel will be coming. Right now though, I’m going to add this to my ongoing resume of achievements and enjoy my summer. The 31 days of Halloween are calling my name and I’m ready for a different type of challenge.


As we end this thing, I’d like to first dedicate this essay to that dude who thought I used AI. Here are 20-some pages that say otherwise. I’d also like to dedicate this to my mom. She was always a huge supporter of mine and I knew that she wanted me to go back. Lastly, it is dedicated to anyone who is looking to go back and try that thing one more time. If you are looking for a sign from the universe, this is it. You are all you need and it is not too late. You can breathe, right? Great! That and a little bit of determination are all you need. If I can go back to school 10+ years later, after walking away from a final and being put on academic probation, that sure be all the proof you need. You can do anything.

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