Episode 97 – Habits and Rituals

In this month’s scripted episode, I take a look at the importance of Habits and Rituals. MUSIC CREDIT: Karl Casey @ White Bat Audio The show is sponsored today by: Seasons of Life Memorials

To read along:

Media Pod Smash Episode #97:

Habits & Rituals

By: Jeremy Jordan

PART 1 – Introduction

When I was in my 20’s, I felt a lot like a frog on PCP. I would hop wildly from lily pad to lily pad. Water would splash up in all directions, other surrounding animals would look on in either disgust or terror; it was chaos. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was a bit aimless. There were lots of things I tried back then, lots of things I wanted to try as well, but nothing ever stuck. I know that many times in my life, I needed to make a change. There were often some days that I felt were rather desperate and hopeless. Sometimes even pointless. And not pointless like “I see no point in living”, more like, starting the day out with grand goals and ambitions, getting to the end of that day, and achieving none of them. It was then that I’d feel as if I had a pointless day. What made matters worse was that I knew that I had nobody to blame but myself for these lack of accomplished goals.

I would eventually come to realize that there was a bit of a formula; a few small changes and a better observation of my habits and rituals. This was the key to getting myself to the place that I dreamed of getting to. The fucked up hopping disoriented frog on PCP lifestyle didn’t have to be mine forever and wouldn’t be. If any of this resonates with you and you feel trapped in a certain lifestyle right now, that doesn’t have to be yours forever either. I really believe that.

PART 2 – Compounding Bad Habits

I graduated in 2009. The more distanced I get from that year, the more it freaks me out. I can remember much of that summer like it was yesterday. I had dreams of making films, I was full of life, energy and passion. I was ready to take on the fucking world. Cut to: winter of 2011. By this point in time, I had a taste of college and still had no idea what I was doing. On the days that I didn’t have classes, I was working at a shitty, soul-sucking, retail job. I’ve often ranted and raved about this job in the past; hell, even as recently as the last scripted episode but I’d like to just dive in once more and attempt to break down what a typical work day was like back then.

I’d wake up to the default ring of my smart phone’s alarm. It would pierce my ears as I would roll over and swipe the snooze button for the second time. I hate getting up early in general, and winter mornings in Wisconsin just amplified that. On some of the most brutal mornings, I’d wait until the last possible minute that I could, and then rush out of bed like the PCP frog. I’d get myself in order the best that I could and hurry out the door. The place that I worked for at the time had a policy about punching in and out. You could punch in a certain amount of minutes early and you had a 15 or so minute window for punching in after your shift began before they considered it late to work. I used the hell out of that policy. The part about being late obviously. I would usually stroll into work with maybe a few minutes to spare. I’d move like a zombie toward the department that I worked in, dreading what I’d find. This was during a time before I became a manager and had all the glitz and glamour. I was just a lowly associate and my job was to show up at 5ish in the morning, unwrap all the stacked up shit on pallets, and bin or stock the shit. I didn’t always work the early shifts during this time, but when I did, I was never prepared for them and they always wore me out. I didn’t know much about habits back then. I just went with the flow and much of my life just happened. After a few tedious hours of unwrapping, stocking, binning, and repeating, I’d take a break. Often times, I’d sit in the break room and fill out an entry in my journal or sit on my phone at the furthest table with my earbuds in. I’d reflect at these times and worry about my future, sometimes the present too. Though, I never let it eat away at me for very long. I’d always just tell myself that it was temporary and this wasn’t going to be my situation long. I know, I know, that’s what they all say. When break was over, I’d return to my department to grind out the rest of my day until lunch time. After lunch, it was more of the same and that was that.

Around this era was when I started down the nicotine gum road. I may not have known a lot about habits yet, but I would soon be finding out about the consequences of bad ones super quickly. Back in episode 90, I detailed how bad things got with nicotine gum. A simple pharmacy purchase became a multi year spiral. This was one of the many examples of a compounding bad habit that I was dealing with. Lots of poor lifestyle choices became deeply habitual through much of my early 20’s. Had I just taken a few simple steps in another direction, I maybe could’ve cleaned some things up sooner and not have had such shitty workdays. Sure the job may have still sucked, but I’m sure my overall well being could’ve drastically improved. There’s no sense dwelling on the past though. It’s just important that you eventually do get to the solution somehow. It would take me a few years but I did eventually have my aha moment regarding bad habits.

One weekend in January of 2019, I attended a surprise party in the middle of nowhere up north, WI. This was a couple months before deciding to quit nicotine gum once and for all, and changing the course of my life forever. I was drawn into the idea of attending by the allure of good friends in attendance and gambling. After realizing that the gambling wouldn’t be coming until much later in the evening, and much of the day would actually be hanging out with the extended family of the friend, I immediately went for the drinks. Lots of them. To make a long story short, the weather got really nasty around the time that the party started wrapping up. After a long discussion in the kitchen, we went gambling anyway.

It was an extremely anxious drive but another part of my brain was excited as fuck to go gambling. When we arrived, I shot toward a machine and spent the rest of the night drinking cocktails and losing money. The drive home was pretty low energy as the driver concentrated on the snowy, narrow road in front of us. The snow had not let up at all and home was still a ways away. I stared out the window most of the trip, thinking about how this day had really not gone as planned. I was trashed, dejected, and ready to just go home. After finally arriving back to the house, I let out a large sigh of relief but knew I wasn’t out of the woods quite yet.

I set up some bedding in the basement and had a chat with my friend Ryan for a bit. I was too anxious to sleep. I paced around the basement while all of the rowdy party goers completed the process of becoming rowdy and passed out throughout various locations in the house. I had a war going on in my mind. Upon what was probably around the 100th pace, I made a decision to drive home. It was around 4 in the morning and still snowing. Things got dicey on that journey. I dodged a lot of bullets and stretched what should’ve been a 3ish hour drive into closer to a 5ish hour drive.

Upon finally pulling into my driveway that morning, I dragged my bag and myself into my bedroom. I felt how I imagine a meth head would feel as I collapsed into bed. After sleeping away the rest of the morning, and most of the afternoon. I would stand up and stare at myself in the mirror that day, ashamed of who I had become. The years of bad habits had caught up with me and I was at a pretty low, low. I needed to make some changes, and this needed to happened quick.

PART 3 – The Battle For Good Habits

A couple months after the January snow storm incident, I finally decided to make a change. I made the first major positive step towards good habit building and bad habit dropping as I’d decide to quite nicotine gum. I chronicled much of that story in episode 90, so I won’t retread. However, what I didn’t do was dive into much of the how.

Like I said, I never thought much about habits until my bad ones started to spiral. I made several attempts to start new and better ones back in some of those miserable days, but I didn’t know what I was doing. Plus, my heart really wasn’t in it. When things started to take a positive turn, I still didn’t know what I was doing but this time, I had a lot more heart. I had great reasons for change and was determined to make it happen by any means necessary.

The first thing that I did was put up a large wall calendar and a sign that read “consistency is the tunnel to greatness”. This was a quote that I had heard very early on in a motivational speeches compilation that really stuck with me. On top of the calendar I wrote myself an inspirational message and marked the day that I decided I was going to quit nicotine. In the remaining boxes, I filled in whatever important agendas and activities I could think of and was off to the races. I’m a pretty visual person, so seeing future endeavors and past achievements on the large daily wall calendar really helped. I was skeptical of the idea at first, that just a large sheet with some squares would help propel me, but I’d never actually tried before, so it was worth a shot.

In the same room that I had my calendar and quote sign, I also had a blue exercise mat rolled out onto the floor. The mat was a previous purchase from many years back when I had brief flashes of ambition. It was safe to say I wouldn’t need to purchase a new one, as this one had no wear and tear whatsoever.

The first few days of dropping my nicotine habit sucked horribly. I would get set of by small things and never seemed to be able to get comfortable. I learned quickly that the best thing to do right away was to start up a new habit to replace the old. So, on day one, I got to working out on my mat. It was a very crude version of what one may consider working out, but damn it, I was doing it. I started my workouts by doing routines that I found from an online source. I then moved on to using index cards to keep it interesting. Once I got a feel for what I liked to do and what the average session should consist of, I started committing to workout days via my wall calendar.

As you are reading this, you may be thinking to yourself, “easy for you to say. Forming good habits isn’t that simple, Mr. Internet Self-Hep guy”. I would say to you, it absolutely is that simple. Change starts with a decision and one small step in the right direction. As many experts will say, it’s simple but not easy. From my entire childhood into my 20’s, I was an nonathletic, lazy, piece of shit. If I can drop nasty habits and get fit, so can you! You don’t get off the hook that easy. I won’t let that happen. We can do whatever we want to do. It just won’t be easy, and that’s okay.

With each new day, things got easier and I missed nicotine less and less. Another thing that really seemed to help me, was daily goals to complete, along with whatever agendas were on the calendar. The goals were never that crazy and always doable; especially early on. My typical lists would have things like, “Do laundry” or “Clean up the studio”. Not only did it keep my brain occupied, it gave me little wins. The little wins were huge because they lead to boosts in my confidence, and eventually into bigger, more ambitious goals.

As time continues on, it’s still a battle to maintain these habits. Some mornings can be quite a struggle. Though, now that the habits have had time to grow and form, activities like running are well, habitual. Even when it’s not always so comfortable to get after it, my brain knows exactly what to do and never usually lets me down. I knew the struggles it took to get to this point and the good feelings that come with doing the not so easy things. I’ve come too far to ever stop or regress now.

I shared a few tips earlier that helped me in forming good habits, but if I had one to provide in helping to maintain them for the long haul, I’d have to point to the act of rituals.

PART 4 – Rituals

From around the time that I was in middle school and into high school, I would often find myself hiding away in the basement. It was cool in the hot months, there were two TVs with the latest gaming systems, and the best seats available for vegging out in. It was my happy place; my zen. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was also one of my rituals.

Rituals are extremely helpful in maintaining positive habits and getting yourself into a good frame of mind. Many people involved in the world of self-development and many athletes continually stress the importance of rituals. A good ritual can also turn into a good habit over time, which in turn, helps your other habits continue smoothly. It’s habitception!

I view rituals as a way to reflect on the days events and make sure I’m staying on the right course. One of my favorite rituals is ending my evenings in the hot tub and just chilling out with my thoughts. Many people use mornings and coffee for a ritual. That’s a great ritual too, but it doesn’t have to be limited to the time of day or any activity. You can make it yours and have it be something special to you. If nothing else, it’ll help with balance by giving you some time away from a world this is often times very fast paced and demanding.

PART 5 – The Wrap Up

Today’s inspirational person of the month is Twyanna Williams. At age 65, she received her high school diploma. Not only that, but she was named valedictorian. She was quoted as saying that she was ecstatic and excited to learn of the honor. She went on to say, “I hope I inspire people that are my age and older that’s dropped out of school to go back. It’s not that bad.” Twyanna is definitely an inspiration. She is living proof that it is never too late to go back and do the things you want to do. It’s not too late to rectify certain situations and make things right. With some effort and a positive attitude, anything is possible. I love stories and people like this. When you feel the urge to quit, look for inspiration like this; it may provide a boost and help you keep on pushing through.

Lastly, let’s take a look at last month’s homework. How did it shake out for you? Personally, I had some moments early in my week where mindset came into play right away. One Monday started out a bit rough. Morning came very quickly after a fun and full weekend, and energy levels were in the gutter. As my day continued, I found that things didn’t improve much. The work day was long and though I did find my levels of energy starting to make a low climb out of the musty basement, I felt a lack of zest.

By the end of the work day, I wanted nothing more than to fall face first onto a large, comfy cloud of bedding and pass out, but I pushed through. Lucky for me, I have habits already ingrained but it was still a push. As I finally made it to my house at the end of the day, I shifted my mindset. I reminded myself of the good feelings that would arrive after I just put my head down and went through the motions. Most of the time when I’m feeling “dead tired”, it is usually a fat lie.

The mind will often tell us many big fat lies. Nothing that you and I aren’t capable of overcoming; that I believe. If you struggled with the concept of mindset or just struggled in general this past month, hang in there! It’s a constant practice and it’s not always going to work perfectly.

So this month, the homework is going to be a little more complex than the first assignment. Since the main idea of today’s show was Habits and Rituals, I think you know what is coming next. We are going to pick out one bad habit, drop that sucker, and replace it with a new one. It can be pretty insignificant to start if you’d like. We are going to dive in and take this thing on, together. It may take a little reflecting on what potential changes are needed. When you’ve thought about it, move on with me to the next steps.

Personally, one of the habits I am currently struggling with is my nighttime habits. I’ve got a bit of a bed time appetite and there’s some other elements that I could us a little less of or that could be dropped altogether. Your habit could be completely different from mine but we’ll tackle this together, in the same way.

First, mark a calendar, phone app, or notebook on the day you start your habit breaking journey. This is the start of the momentum. Next, dive in but don’t get too extreme with it. Life change is exciting, but you can start small and still get to those massive results. For instance, for me, maybe I’ll cut off my food intake one hour earlier than before and see how it goes. Then maybe I’ll move onto other things slowly too, like cutting off my smartphone and tech usage at a certain things. As for replacement habits, maybe I can choose to read a book instead of what I would normally do before bed.

If your goal is to get in shape, maybe your small goal for the day could just be to get into the habit of walking around the block once or replacing driving to the store with walking to the store if that’s possible for you. If your first goal was a success, take it up a notch. Keep asking yourself, “is what I’m doing, getting me closer to my destination?”.

Start your day with a reflection on the day before and track how your progress is going. There may be a few hiccups along the way but that’s okay! You are human; everything isn’t always going to come together perfectly right away. But if you can keep persisting in the face of what ever life throws at you, you may just end up shocking yourself. What starts as a small step, becomes another, and then many more until one day you look back and can’t even believe the person you have become. Change was possible for me as it is for us all. You got this. See you next month.

Media Pod Smash off!

Thanks for the continuing support! We are inching very close to 100 and I can’t wait to share the episode with you. It has been coming along very well. Lots of laughs and some great games. In the meantime, stay tuned for some other surprises and episodes along the way.

-Jeremy

Episode 96 – Double Jeopardy III

This week, Ryan and I compete in some Nintendo Jeopardy for a third time as the countdown to 100 continues! Stick around for some extra content at the end of the show. Today’s show is sponsored by: Seasons of Life Memorials. Visit them at: www.seasonsoflifememorials.com

I am recording a segment for episode 100 this weekend and as a tease I’ll say there’s some old familiar guests returning, and a few games planned. I’m really excited to put this together and can’t wait for everyone to hear it. Until then however, it’s onward with the 90’s. Next week is a monthly scripted motivation episode. We will be diving into the topic of Habits and Rituals. Stay tuned!

-Jeremy

Episode 95 – Beer Tent Boss Battle

The countdown to episode 100 officially starts now! Who am I kidding, I’ve been preparing for this for a long time already. This week we bring back an old game called Worn Out, talk 4th of July, horror, sovereign citizens, and more!

Started work on this month’s scripted episode and I think there will be some nice takeaways in it for people. Also, we are now on Instagram! Follow @mediapodsmash for exclusive clips and more!

Again, thanks for all your ongoing support. We’re making things happen out here!

-Jeremy

Episode 94 – Film Club For Life

Hey all, I hope you are having a great start to your holiday weekend!

This week I sat down with my friends Damon, Mike (Seasons of Life Memorials) and Derek (Chair On Stair Films). We reminisce about the old college film club days, discuss the results of a contest we had, and look toward the future.

Huge thanks again to these guys! Always a pleasure to catch up. Please check out and support their creative endeavors if you can.
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www.chaironstairfilms.com/ (Derek)
www.facebook.com/SeasonsOfLifeMemorials/ (Damon, Mike)

Thanks for continuing to keep the dream alive! Stay safe this weekend, much love.

-Jeremy

Episode 93 – The Power of a Powerful Mindset

In this month’s scripted episode, I take a look at the importance of a great mindset. MUSIC CREDIT: Karl Casey @ White Bat Audio The show is sponsored today by: Seasons of Life Memorials

Here is the writing if you’d like to read along:

Media Pod Smash Episode #93:

The Power of a Powerful Mindset

Most motivational speakers get a bad rap. It seems that most people think that the information that is being recited is basic and not very meaty. I’ll admit, I used to be rather cynical about these folks too. When you hear about people attempting to do a coal walk and busting their shit, or the likes of a Joel Osteen in his mega, multi-million dollar palace, saying things like, “Just believe in yourself! You can do it!”. Easy for you to say, asshole! I completely get it. These messages can easily be seen as a band-aid over a massive open gash of problems. If you are dealing with something rather deep, it doesn’t always feel encouraging to have some wealthy man or woman screaming at you to just do it and stay positive.

When I worked in retail, I had a few managers who were some real ass clowns. My colleagues and I, would often be hounded by these people to make sure that our shelves were full and looking beautiful. A request that was not unreasonable. The only problem was, most of the times, our shelves were only empty because of something called a warehouse out. For those of you fortunate people who have never had to do a job like this and don’t know what that means, allow me to explain. It means that even the warehouse where we get our shit from, doesn’t have the item. Now I am realizing that the name warehouse out pretty much explains it and I’ve wasted my time; it definitely feels great to fill up the first page though. Anyway, these ass clown managers didn’t care about warehouse outs. Even when it was labeled as an out, as indicated by the world’s smallest label, they didn’t care. We were always just told that we had to fill it up anyway. Of course, that meant that later we’d eventually be asked “Why are you guys putting product in the wrong places?”. I don’t blame all the managers for this; I’m sure many were just trying to get by, and following the instructions of some even bigger chuckle-heads above them.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I also had to deal with customers. I could write a whole separate episode about customers; I’d call it something like: “Stupid Questions and Assholes”, but I digress. I realize that this is supposed to be about positive topics and we will get there! The point that I was trying to make was that this was not a very conducive environment for positivity and good vibes. As cynical as I was though, I did listen to some motivational audios throughout this time. It was a nice boost at times but other times, I’d have some of those thoughts mentioned previously. Luckily for me, during those times that I wasn’t buying into the audio encouragement, I had other sources of inspiration that I could turn to.

In Episode 90, I had sung the praises of my great support system of friends; one of these friends is a guy named Garrett. On one of my worst managerial days in retail, I found myself feeling stuck at a crossroads. I don’t remember much about what happened that day but I definitely remember it being quite a cluster fuck of anxiety and stress for myself and no doubt whoever crossed my path that day. I also remember getting to the end of that day and thinking to myself, “I know exactly who to call for a boost” and sure enough, I was right.

Garrett and I grew up in the same area and had similar aspirations; we both believed in the power of a dream and had many creative interests. Despite a small gap of time in our friendship early on (which later became an ongoing inside joke), these things never wavered. In fact, these things would only grow stronger as we started hanging back out again. Back in our early 20’s Garrett and I tried our hand at various creative projects. He and I always shared a similar sense of humor and many other general commonalities. It mainly started with goofy short films but then eventually morphed into actually attempting to make our endeavors into a business. At the time, he was into photography and I was into video. Peanut butter and jelly baby! We got ourselves a few weddings and even a prom before both moving on to new things, but I’ll always remember those times. Garrett was the kind of person who always impressed me with his can-do attitude and ability to jump right into things that he found to be exciting. He had a fantastic mindset. Instead of letting fears get in the way of cool moments or even potentially cool moments, his positive mindset acknowledged those fears and went for it anyway.

Even when we weren’t doing creative things, his mindset could still empower me and give me some hope. You may find this hard to believe, but I wasn’t always the cool and collected guy that I am sitting behind this screen today. On some nights out in the city while we were going on our drinking extravaganzas, I’d find myself having some rather anxious moments. I’m not crazy about the city in general, there was plenty of booze coursing through my body, and I found socializing to be a bit more challenging sometimes back then. If you factor in all of those elements and probably considered a few more, it was no shock that I ended up in these anxious situations. he’d gently remind me that it was all good. In the midst of these situations, Garrett would usually turn to me and say something like, “The world is a stage”. I always knew that I could turn toward my pal during these moments and the more I observed what the power of a powerful mindset could accomplish for him, the more it made me want to think of ways I could achieve that state of thinking as well.

By the end of my retail days, I was starting to understand the world of positivity much better. I was listening to more and more speeches, reading more books, and things stuck with me much longer. I realized that many of the motivational people that I used to criticize, didn’t just start out rich and successful. They were regular people, just like me. I’m sure that many of them actually applied the things that they were speaking about in their own lives too.

On October 31st, 2003, a woman named Bethany Hamilton went out for a morning surf; a hobby that she absolutely loved. Perhaps you’ve heard of Bethany or at least know where this is going. In the middle of her surf session, she was attacked by a Tiger shark and lost her left arm. She could’ve quit right there and nobody would have blamed her at all, but she had a powerful mindset. She said, “fuck you shark!” (alright, probably not) and she returned to surfing only a month after the ordeal. The power of her mind, along with will and determination, brought her back stronger than ever. Once she relearned one handed surfing, she even started competing again. Thankfully, you may never have to deal with a shark attack in your own life, but bad times and tragedy will undoubtedly come a knocking and you too can utilize a great mindset.

Currently, I believe in the power of a powerful mindset more than ever before. I, however, am not fucking delusional. I know that it’s not a shield that suddenly protects you from all of the negativity and general horrors of the world. It is not a magic power but it might help in making some significant positive changes in your life.

Back in the early days of cleaning up some of my bad habits, the first three days to be specific, I had some pretty horrendous moments. Moments where I definitely could’ve tapped out at any given second. Sweat would pour out of me for no good reason, rage would bubble and brew, and I just generally felt uncomfortable. These feelings were exacerbated by the fact that time seemed to stretch longer than TB12 in the off season. I truly believe that my mindset was a key component in eventually making it past the very important, 72 hour milestone. Whenever I would have thoughts of giving up, I would try to remember mindset and think instead of all the people who were supporting me and cheering me on. I know it sounds like simple “rah-rah” bullshit, but a simple shift in perspective can do some pretty amazing things.

A shift in perspective can take you from “not today, I don’t have the energy” to “I’ve got to do this today because I don’t know how many more today’s I’m going to get”. A change in mindset can take you places that you never thought possible. Of course, like anything else, it must be practiced constantly. I still slip quite often. Even just earlier in the writing when I was shitting on my old job. Was it necessary? Well, actually, maybe some things are okay to shit upon every once in a while; metaphorically speaking of course.

For each of these scripted episodes, I’m also going to include a segment called “Inspiring person of the month”. Inspiration can be found in a variety of unique places and everyday people are a fantastic source. Technically we did already cover one; Bethany Hamilton is a perfect example, but this month’s inspiring person is you! Within you is the ability to change the lives of all the people you meet. You have the power to change your world and turn bad habits into great ones; all it takes is the proper mindset and a single step. I didn’t used to think these things about myself. Heck, I didn’t even think I was qualified to be writing stuff like this, but a shift in my mindset told me that other folks out there appreciate normal, authentic, people. I may not be a Tony Robbins or a Joel Osteen, but that’s alright. I’m me. An average guy who changed some things with the power of mindset and a single step. As mentioned in my last written episode, comparisons can be a dangerous thing. Don’t ever feel like you aren’t qualified if there’s something you want to take a stab at. Everyone has to start somewhere, and if you touch even one person, won’t it have been worth it? I’d be willing to bet that you are more qualified than you think. Plus, if you really aren’t all that experienced yet, you still put yourself out there, while the other person didn’t. Pretty huge already! Though I suppose I’m going on a bit of tangent here and maybe I’m just reassuring myself at this point, but still. Even if you aren’t trying to create something for public consumption or have fears of feeling like an impostor, the power of mindset can be used for simple everyday things too. I know that I’m not where I want to be quite yet, and I’ve still got a long road ahead, but something tells me that I’ll be more than okay moving forward.

So how do we wrap this sucker up? With a little bit of homework. I know that actually doing things can be a pain in the ass but I’ll be right with you for this. I will participate in the homework as well and share my follow-up on next month’s episode. Reading and listening are great but action is incredible. This week, think about a situation recently where a change in mindset could have made a difference. It could be very small. Maybe a missed opportunity or a bad day that maybe didn’t have to be so bad. After that, see if you can stay as present as possible during the upcoming week and see if you can use the power of a positive mindset in certain tough situations that arise. You may think this is a little nuts but you may just surprise yourself if you really give it a solid try. It’s a constant effort and some days are just going to suck regardless, however, at the end of the day, you can always reflect and be proud of the fact that you are trying everyday. Your powerful mindset is a work in progress being powered by an incredibly powerful person.

Media Pod Smash off!

-Jeremy

Episode 92 – Alien Romance

This week Ryan and I discuss an unfortunate situation for a trapped meth head, try to stay on track while discussing a potential alien relationship, Jeremy brings a potential douche of the week to the table, and more!

Next week I will be bringing another scripted episode; this time: The Power of a Powerful Mindset. I am almost done writing it and I hope people will enjoy and get something out of it.

As for now, on to the next big thing. Keep dreaming and make it happen!

-Jeremy

Episode 91 – Tip or No Tip

This week Ryan and I play another round of Modern Artists vs. Old Millennials, discuss the art of getting older, wonder where to draw the line with tipping, and more!

As we inch closer to episode 100, we will be doing some special stuff; maybe some giveaways, more games, all sorts of stuff! Stay tuned. If you want to write in and discuss some of the topics from this weeks episode, or anything else for that matter, we’re at mediapodsmash@gmail.com We’d love to hear from you!

I’m currently writing the next peice of scripted content and will most likely be debuting it at the end of this month with a consecutive end of the month schedule to follow.

Thanks friends…much love. Stay cool.

-Jeremy

Episode 90 – Grief, Sobriety, and Hope

This week, I am celebrating a milestone in my life and what better way to do so then to create the ultimate vanity project. In all reality, this is a reading of an essay of sorts that I wrote this week. I wanted to sum up how the last couple of years have gone for me. It’s pretty personal, but I would be happy knowing it’s in the universe if it helps even one person. MUSIC CREDIT: Karl Casey @ White Bat Audio

If you’d like to read along, here’s the whole essay. Hopefully it’s not too littered with grammar and spelling issues:

PART 1 – Grief

I stood motionless in front of my wall calendar, staring at the square that I had just “X”’d off. March, 1st, 2020. A day that at times, I thought would never arrive. I flashed back to the difficult moments; the outbursts, the fatigue, the impatience. Some days seemed to drag on for an insanely long time, especially in the early weeks.

A year prior, I was making my first “X”. This “X” was a representation of something big to me. It was the day that I decided I’d finally had enough. It was my first day without nicotine. I say nicotine specifically and not cigarettes because (and please don’t laugh too hard) I was addicted to nicotine gum. That’s right, the stuff that you were supposed to use as a quitting aid, I couldn’t get enough of.

In all honesty, I never even cared for cigarettes all that much. I would really only smoke if I got too intoxicated and was able to actually get my hands on a cig and a lighter somehow. What really got me hooked on nicotine was probably a combination of boredom and a disdain for my shitty, unfulfilling, retail job at the time. I don’t remember where I heard it, but I recalled someone suggesting the gum to get a nice buzz. Those words wafted through my brain as I stood at the nicotine aisle, in the pharmacy department. I grabbed a pack of the four milligram, fruit flavored. I probably would have been fine with the two milligram, but “go big or go home”! Or whatever my foolish brain was thinking at the time. As I took my first piece, it was actually pretty gross. I am glad it was a mixed fruit flavor one, and not the original chemically tasting kind or I probably would have vomited. Although, maybe that wouldn’t have been so bad actually. Maybe I never would have gone back again at that point.

Despite the nasty taste, I did find myself actually getting a nice little buzz. In time, I would get used to the taste and even find myself really starting to crave it. It became a huge part of my life. A morning ritual for the way into work, a video gaming ritual for a quick boost, an end of the day ritual to reflect on some moments.

Many years and many packs later, I had realized that I had a problem with this stuff. The gum at this point was probably doing nothing for me besides just adding to my anxiety and costing me money. It was a straight up addiction. Of course, I should have known earlier and I don’t know why it was a blind spot for me, but that’s human beings for you. We are all very flawed. We make all sorts of mistakes and have our biases, but that doesn’t have to stop us. If you hold on long enough, and spend some quality time with your thoughts, those blind spots can start to reveal themselves to us. Once that happens, you can make small steps to make things as right as you possibly can, with the time you have left.

I may not have realized it right away, but the important thing was that I did and it wasn’t too late. I was a flawed human, standing in front of an “X” on a calendar. An important “X”. An “X” that meant, things don’t ever have to be the same after today if you try your best and fight to make things a little more right.

The year crawled along and fight, I did. Some days were anxious, some days were euphoric, and some were just downright dark, but I never looked back. As a way to gather my thoughts and cope with what I was feeling, I started keeping a journal. On days that I had nothing to say, I would just write about how pissed I was that I couldn’t have a piece of gum. When I needed a boost, I would write a nice message to myself about not giving up. The act of keeping a journal and then later, writing out my goals as well, became very helpful.

Things started getting easier as I learned to focus on other things and use up excess energy though exercise. Around the half-year mark, I would have days where I felt very confident. Looking back at previous “X”s on the calendar and old journal entries, I almost couldn’t believe it at times. I was off the gum and also improving other areas of my life. I’d never been this fit before, things just seemed more zen, and life was good. At the end of my year-long journey, I stood in front of the calendar where it all began, staring at the “X” over the 52 week text. It should have been a day for great celebration. I had a year of fighting demons under my belt, and as a result, many other areas of my life had improved greatly. I should have been elated but I was not. I did not feel like celebrating anything. While the world was just starting to turn upside down, mine already had. The nicotine fight was in the back of my mind; I was already in the middle of another one.

February 14th 2020 was the worst day of my fucking life. I’ve had some bad days that I had no idea how I’d manage to pull myself through, but evening would somehow always manage to arrive. I would trade this day and re-live any one of those days a million times. I’d re-live them with the addition of fire ants poured on me at the start of one of those days just for good measure. There’s no magic genie around to grant that wish though, and it’s just not an option. It happened and much like our flaws and imperfections, it’s something that comes with being human. If you are here, you are going to end up losing someone you love. The longer you are here, the more you will likely lose and it never gets any easier.

Some of my first memories of grief were when I was pretty young; I would say around elementary school age. I remember losing some relatives around this time. I knew what was happening, that I wouldn’t be seeing them anymore. I know of course I felt sadness but I don’t know if I really knew what grief was. It was complicated; I mean, it still is. As I grew older and experienced new trials, I would often go through a range of many emotions. I started to understand what grief was; it was a wide array of things. Grief was an unexpected guest who could show up at any time without warning, more than likely when you aren’t prepared. Who am I kidding? You won’t be prepared; no one ever is. By the time I was out of high school, I had experienced the losses of grandmas, grandpas, aunts, and uncles. Most were fortunate enough to have lived long, rich, lives. All of them very sad, but nothing as earth shattering as February 14th. By this point, grief was not that much of an unexpected guest, but guess what? I still wasn’t ready.

My mother was an amazing woman. She was extremely kind to everyone. The needs of other people were always put first, even near the end when simple acts such as going up and down the steps, could prove to be quite a chore. She always supported my wild dreams and never made me feel bad about my ideas or myself. She fought for a long time, getting to witness some wonderful moments and milestones. The last few months that I spent with my mom where wonderful. Extremely anxious, sometimes very difficult at times but wonderful. I always tried my best to stay present, especially during times that I thought were the most important.

Weeks before my mom passed away, I was already consumed with feelings of sadness. She had been sick for a while and since about the start of the month, was staying in hospice care. I knew what was coming and had found myself already experiencing grief. At times, I’d become really unfocused. Some days seemed to drag on forever. I would question my feelings of grief at times. I would think to myself, “she’s still here, don’t waste your precious time in grief already”, and that would make me feel even worse than I was already feeling. What I should have realized is that it was very normal to feel the way that I was feeling. If you find yourself feeling a certain way, the last thing you should do is make yourself feel guilty about it. When someone you love is sick, of course you are going to feel some things. As far as feeling like not wanting to waste time goes, it’s true that it is very precious but if you’re like me, you realize that and are doing your best. Even if I did manage to not waste one precious second, it wouldn’t have been enough. Once it’s over, you’ll think to yourself, “if only we just had a year, or a month, or one more week”. There’s always going to be so much more that could have been said or done, but you get what you get. Try to remember that all the time that you did spend, was spent very well no matter what did or didn’t happen. You were together in those precious moments in time and that’s all that matters. If you are lucky, you will have lots of memories and stories. With these things, your loved one will live on forever.

I was lucky and I had to remind myself that a lot during this time. On the day of the funeral when my car got totaled in an accident on the way home, I would still try to count my blessings. On days when it was a herculean task just to get out of bed in the morning and put on a brave face, I’d take stock of the people in my life, look around at the flowers, cards and other outpourings of support, and feel better.

By the end of spring, my brain was still really foggy. A lot of days seemed to blend together, and although a lot of people were very kind and supportive, sometimes it just really sucked. Not only was I dealing with my own giant struggle, the world was deep into the pandemic, and the landscape was changing as we knew it. Stores and restaurants closed, schools went virtual, people went into lock down, and the toilet paper shelves were empty for miles and miles for some strange reason. My routine had changed a bit, but fortunately, I still got to keep working. Work was a welcome distraction during the day but when it was over, there I was with my thoughts and feelings. Day after day this would happen and things didn’t seem to be getting much better. I was still off nicotine and managing to still stay active, but mentally, something felt very off. I knew I was still dealing with my grief, but something else was wrong.

PART 2 – Sobriety

I’ve always had an interesting relationship with alcohol. I grew up in a state where drinking is majorly ingrained in the culture. From the breweries, to the festivals, to the weird dive bars with their games of dice, Wisconsin loves to drink. Many people will point to the history of the state, but let’s be honest; if you had to spend years and years going through the dark, depressing, Wisconsin winters, you’d want to get shitfaced all the time too.

Compared to most people, I’d say I was a pretty late bloomer when it came to drinking. I really didn’t start drinking heavily until after high school. I would have the occasional drink or two, but was never much of a party-er at the time. I mostly had my tight circle of friends who was more consumed with just hanging out, playing video games, and generally making fun of stuff together. We didn’t need alcohol…yet. Not to say we were unpopular, it just wasn’t something we really did. You may be saying to yourself, “Late bloomer? Nobody is supposed to be drinking at that age anyway!”. But I say to you, it’s Wisconsin and let’s not bullshit ourselves. This is an open and honest essay.

By the end of senior year, into the summer, things started to change. We started going to parties and whenever we could get our hands on some drinks, would have small group drinking hangout nights at different people’s houses. Some of my earliest memories include sneaking a large piece of luggage filled with cans of beer into the basement as if there is nothing suspicious about that. Oh your friend is staying over? Why did he pack enough stuff for a weeks vacation in Florida? We would also come up with our own code words to avoid actually saying the words “drink, alcohol, or beer”. Instead of those things, we would say “draining the tub” or some other wacky phrase. Looking back, it really makes no fucking sense but no one ever caught on. At least, that’s what I’d like to think. The early years of drinking were a blast. Weekend after weekend we’d go on all sorts of different adventures, never knowing what we were in for or where we’d end up. The bond between my circle of friends seemed to grow tighter, I was more open and socializing with all sorts of different people, we had no cares in the world. Life was good.

The lifestyle of do what you gotta do during the week and go hard on the weekend, lasted for many years. Lots of my close friends either stayed in town or were close enough to visit and party with on weekends. From what I can remember, we had a lot of good times. The idea that this could be a problem never once crossed my mind. How could my drinking be out of control when everyone around me was doing the exact same thing? This was just what people our age did; we would all eventually get it together, clean up our acts, and become functioning adults. We’d reminisce about all the wild drunken times together with our families and share a laugh. Well my friends did clean up their acts and get it together. Me? Not so much.

The first time that I can recall when my drinking started to get really out of hand was right around the summer of 2015. I was newly single, directionless, and sweaty (I mean, after all, it was the summer). By this year, nearly all of the friends that I had partied with during school were either still in school but further away or had gotten married and started their lives. Although there were still a few people around, it really felt like life was changing.

My summer that year consisted of four long work days with a three day weekend. Most weekends I would either drink at home, walk to the bars and drink, or hang out with people (and drink most likely). I didn’t think much of my drinking at all during that time. I knew at times it was very excessive, but I was having a great time. Most importantly, I was still able to function. Reflecting back, I wouldn’t say I was able to function that well on most days, but I did the things that needed to be done. To me, that was good enough.

By the next summer, I was back on my same routine. Hanging out, living wild and free, having lots of drinks, trying to fit into my favorite button up shirt and struggling immensely. Hey! Wait a minute. Okay, it was mostly the same routine, I just happened to be much heavier from all the drinking I had been doing. Despite this fact, I was still doing my thing and had no intentions of slowing down. By the end of that summer, I was at my all time highest weight. My favorite orange shirt was fucked. I felt like an ogre trying to squeeze into a piece of fabric every time I put on one of my old V-Necks. Things were getting sloppy.

I don’t know if it was the weight gain, or just my general sense that things were starting to go off the rails but I cleaned myself up. There’s also a chance that it could have been due to some great chats I had with close people or possibly a combo off all. Whatever it was, I got to work. Once that summer was over, I started monitoring my diet much better. I didn’t stop drinking, however. I didn’t think I really needed to stop; I just needed to slow down. It took a little bit of effort, but I really did slow it down. I even slimmed down enough in time to fit into my snazzy blue suit coat for my sister’s wedding that year. I was happy to have gotten myself back into better shape and life seemed more balanced. I was ready to get back to business as usual. I can’t say I ever reflected back to that moment to think of how I really got there. If I did, maybe I would have realized that my battle was far from over.

On February 22nd, 2020, I lost a friend of mine. We were not very close by this time but we did spend a lot of fun times together during some of my wild summers and even worked together for a short period too. Despite things changing, and us drifting apart, I would still call him a friend. I attended his funeral and felt a mix of many things. I still felt overwhelmed from the event that had transpired in my own life just about a week prior. I felt shocked, devastated, and exhausted all at the same time. I wanted to run out into an open field and let out a huge primal scream the top of my fucking lungs. I just wanted to make sense of things, but some things in life aren’t for us to make sense of. We just have to take them as they come and do our absolute best to keep going.

The next three months were weird. My work schedule shifted completely as the world began reacting to the pandemic. I was suddenly back on 1st shift and forced to adjust like many other people in this country. At first, I thought I was adjusting really well. I’m not a stranger to early shifts and the whole pandemic itself was a bit of a novelty at first. It wasn’t long though until people started to realize that we may be in this for longer than we originally thought and things went from novelty to bullshit, real quick. As the weeks went on, life started becoming more and more of a grind. I was still in my grieving process and had some things that I really need to unpack. It would have been a really good idea to spend some time reflecting and healing while alone with my thoughts but alcohol had other plans.

Most weekends during this time, as I put my nightly “X” on the calendar, I would feel ashamed. Most of the time, writing that “X” was the biggest accomplishment that I had for the day. I was spiraling and slowly being consumed by my nasty habits. I was a little surprised that I had gotten to this point; I should have really seen it coming. Even before all the terrible events of the winter, my drinking was on the rise. At the time, I didn’t necessarily feel depressed. In spite of the fact that we all knew what was coming, I thought I was coping quite well. I was still riding high off of quitting nicotine and staying very active. Sometimes I was able to run many miles, even on some of the more chilly mornings when my brain pleaded with me to stay in bed. It just so happened that during most of this time, I would also be recovering from a night out. During Thanksgiving break that year, I spent Thanksgiving eve inside of a bar in town catching up with some friends of mine. I think the night was fun, but ultimately was pretty much a blur. For Thanksgiving the next day, I remember waking up really hungover and immediately going to get some bloody marys to cope. This was another thing that happened often in the past that I never paid much thought to. Go out, get drunk, wake up, feel shitty, drink more. It didn’t really seem that ridiculous; it just seemed like common sense. The rest of the day I spent a majority of my time in that same bar from the night before. I watched football while pounding drinks and writing in my journal. Every once in a while, strangers would initiate small talk. I’m not a huge fan of small talk but alcohol always made it easier, and it’s something I knew to expect inside of a small town bar so I couldn’t really be annoyed. By late afternoon, I made it home for Thanksgiving with the family. Since it still seemed like I had a balance of things without much difficulty, I never had any second thoughts about my drinking.

A month later, we found ourselves in a very mild winter. Most days leading up to the holidays were around the mid 40’S if I recall correctly; a very nice treat for someone used to a brutal Wisconsin winter. I was officially on holiday with a few nice days to kill. The weather was a mood boost but my drinking was getting very out of control. For a few days in a row, I would start my evenings out with some drinks in my hot tub, then I’d hobble my way into town, and the rest got a little hazy. Most times I’d bring my notebook with me to get some writing done. I figured if I was getting some creative stuff done, I didn’t have to feel bad about going a little hard that evening. The only problem was, most of the stuff that I wrote while drinking was complete garbage. This may come as a shock, but most people can’t do their best work while drunk. When I wasn’t trying to write, I was interacting with people that I would probably never interact with otherwise. Nothing against them, I just feel like booze and good times was really the only common factor there. From what I can remember, I did have some wonderful interactions. I just wish I could remember more.

By the end of that year, I tried to reflect and adjust a little bit. Most weekends I was a complete wreck, wasting all my mornings to the awful feeling of being hungover. I felt a lot of guilt at times and would often think back to those summers of 2015 and 16. January 1st, 2020, I had what I think was my first sober New Years of my 20’s. I was glad to have been able to share a nice quiet evening with my family that year. My mom was really glad for that as well. I wonder if things would have been different had I not felt so shitty from the weekend before but I guess what could have been has no relevance. A sober New Years is what did happen, and I could be proud of that. I wish I could say that this is where things started to turn a corner but the ride wasn’t quite over.

As the biter, frigid month of January continued along, my 29th birthday had soon arrived with humility and grace. Just kidding, it actually reared its ugly head at me and screamed in my face, “it’s the last year of your 20’s! What the hell happened?!”. What a jerk. The celebration was mostly a drunken stupor. I went out for dinner, saw some townies, and drank a lot of drinks I would imagine; not much fanfare. I did however, get a treadmill, so that was pretty dope. Back at home, my mom eagerly awaited my arrival while sitting in her favorite chair in the living room. She did not go to birthday dinner with us that evening as she was feeling a little weak that day. In typical fashion, she apologized to me and said she felt bad that my birthday was the way it was this year. She didn’t have to apologize to me or feel that way at all but that’s who she was. I was just happy that we got one more together. The long dark raged on as we transitioned into February and you know the rest.

For the purpose of this writing, I took a look at some of my old journal entries to get some inspiration. A few stuck out to me, especially the ones near the end of May 2020. By that time, I was pretty isolated. I was getting fucked up nearly every weekend, going on buzzed walks through town, and was lucky if I could recount most, if any of the previous nights events. Regrets continued to pile up, night after night, and I didn’t give a shit. Until one day, I finally did.

Journal Entry: May 31st, 2020

If you really believe that you have the ability to turn over a new leaf every moment, then fucking prove it. Fix your shit. Write a script. Be nice. Clean up your act.

I would write things like this to myself pretty often. It could be tough talk sometimes but I was in a pretty dire situation. I would end up going on one last big bender the following weekend before finally stopping. Sunday, June 7th of that year at two in the morning, I would drink my last drop of booze. Don’t ask me to retell that evening’s events because I can’t. The only moment that sticks with me and probably the only moment worth remembering anyways, was the end. It felt much different than any other last calls; this was really it.

The next day, true to my word, I didn’t have a drink. A horrible hangover lingered over me all day; I’d felt like I’d gotten hit by a car. I would’ve loved to just pound a couple bloody marys and end my suffering but I stayed strong. The upcoming weeks would prove themselves to be quite a challenge. This was a brand new journey I’d be undertaking and I was honestly a little scared. My brain tried to talk me back into drinking right away. Sometimes I would think about other people who have it much worse than me to try and justify going back. Comparisons are a dangerous thing; someone’s always going to have it much better or much worse than you. Your life is your life. At times when I would reach my most anxious about things, I’d remind myself that I did this once before with nicotine gum and can certainly do it again with other things.

I relied heavily on writing in my notebook to fill my time and give my thoughts a place to go. I thought about drinking pretty often at first. Even though the world was still semi-closed at this point, I would still find myself having fears of missing out while I sat at home, sober. Having my writing hobby, along with a few other passions of mine, really helped. Among those things was also a damn good support system. At the start of my new voyage, I found myself getting some early motivation from a friend of mine who had also quit drinking. His story was one of inspiration for me at the time that he made his decision, and I was happy for his helpful advice. I had other supportive people in my circle as well, who may not have been able to relate in quite the same way but were always there with encouragement.

By the one month mark, I was feeling a lot less foggy; exercising and running became much easier, and much to my surprise, I could actually do things on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Even if I did sleep in late, I’d wake up and not feel like complete dog shit. Sober weekends were becoming more and more enjoyable too. Every once in a while, I’d run into someone who was not aware that I had quit and would feel a bit of a pressure to go back to drinking. It wasn’t often and I sorta expected it to happen, especially in a small town. You see a lot of the same people, former drinking pals included. These types of situations would get me into thinking more about the people in my life in general. I had sad realizations that certain people in my life were just drinking buddies. Besides the shared experiences with booze, there wasn’t much more depth. On the flip side though, I had great realizations that there were people in my life with whom I did have deep and meaningful friendships with. One of my ongoing sober life goals is to try my best to cultivate and maintain all of those friendships. I absolutely slip on this sometimes, but I will never quit. The older I get, the more I notice how easy it can be for people to drift. If you have important people in your circle, don’t ever give up on them. As cliche as it sounds, we need each other now, more than ever.

Six months in, I found that I had a lot more clarity and focus, but still knew of course that it was a long road ahead. Every once in a while, I will browse a no alcohol subreddit if I need some quick inspiration. Turns out, it’s not all assholes and trolls online. There are great people on there who have very fascinating stories and general encouragement to give. I highly recommend searching out an online community like that if you need some support. One evening while scrolling through a story, I stumbled upon an awesome quote. Apologies in advance for not remembering who said it and most likely butchering it too. The quote went a little something like, “Getting sober doesn’t solve your problems, it helps you see them more clearly”. It didn’t take me very long to realize that giving up substances wasn’t going to be a cure all but I knew it was a damn good first step towards a brighter future.

When I gave up nicotine, I remember feeling like I had lost a friend. It was very strange, but it really did feel a little like grief. Nicotine gum was a buddy that I spent countless, wonderful moments with. Beautiful summer evening walks, intense late night gaming sessions, hilarious conversations with friends. Given enough time to reflect of course, it was obvious that I had those things way before I ever even knew what nicotine was. I knew eventually I’d cope and be able to enjoy a life without it. When I gave up alcohol, it was less like losing a friend and more like losing a piece of myself. Crazy as it sounds, it really had become part of my identity. When you’ve done the same thing repeatedly, with a lot of the same people, what do you do when that’s not who you are anymore? Even in this very moment, I still have my struggles with this but things get easier and more clear every day. If there’s one thing that I’ll take away from all of this, it’ll be that I’m a very fortunate guy. I realize that there are folks out there struggling with substances or other demons who have no support at all. I also know that there are people fighting other unimaginable battles at this very moment. I feel for them and acknowledge that I’m a lucky guy. A lucky guy who continues to mark the days off the wall calendar with “X”s, only this time with a total shift in mindset. Feelings of guilt, regret and shame from wasted mornings and forgotten nights have gone away and been replaced by new feelings.

PART 3 – HOPE

When I first started cleaning up my bad habits, I realized quickly that I needed an outlet for my new found time, energy, and anger. I decided that I needed to get active. Growing up, this was never really in my nature. I never played sports in school, in fact, many jokes were made at my expense about my non-coordination. A few times during my 20’s, I’d have small stints of exercise and life changes before ultimately saying, “fuck it”. Nothing that I did ever stuck. As you know, I drank a lot in my 20’s, so I’m sure that contributed but as I look back on it now, I think a big part was my reasons. I guess I should say, lack of reasons.

When I would try these extreme lifestyle changes, it was usually around times when I was feeling pretty desperate. In my early twenties, I worked a retail job that sucked the life out of me. I did tedious things that were boring as hell and a lot of customers were unnecessarily cruel. After moving up a little bit in the company, I stepped back down after deciding I hated that even more. If you’d like to hear more about that, check out some classic Media Pod Smash! Anyways, it wasn’t too long after re-entering into my old position at the store that I really felt stuck. On days that I really felt like shit, I’d try to listen to positive audios or read some positive books. If something really stuck with me, I would have small moments where I would feel more confident and that it was possible to get better and change things. This would trigger those week long, or maybe at most, month long attempts to improve my life. I never had much of plan anytime I dove into these. When it didn’t work out, it was just back to same old life. I’d shrug it off and think, “better luck next time”. I didn’t make it far during these times because I didn’t have one good reason for doing what I was doing. Of course there was the reasons of, I feel stuck in a shitty job and I get anxious and sad sometimes, but that wasn’t good enough. If I was going to stop abusing substances, get fit, work on my mental health, and pursue my passions in life, my why had to be much stronger.

The first ten push-ups that I did during my first nicotine free day were fucking horrible. The next ten push-ups that I did on my second nicotine free day were still fucking horrible. Every so often, I would flashback to those failed moments from the past. There were many times that I wanted to say “fuck it, better luck next time”, but I didn’t. I knew that while at the same time I was having my fight, there was a wonderful women having an even bigger one of her own. My mom was a shining example of the human spirit. She fought hard, never giving up, and I wasn’t going to either. Not this time. It took longer than a month before physical activity became less of a chore. Once I began to see that it actually did get easier, I was off to the races. Having never done this much in the past, I made it up totally as I went along. Something was better than absolutely nothing; techniques and other things like nutrition could be learned along the way. To keep myself from getting too bored, I’d write random exercises on note cards, draw a card, and repeat as necessary. I discovered that I also had quite a fondness for running, so I added that into the mix as well. Again, that wasn’t an easy process at first either but with time it got easier to do and dare I say, even fun.

As I sit here in front of my monitor, typing this out so I can get this out on time, I am happy to say that I am now 362 days without alcohol and 824 days without nicotine. Sometimes I think back to the beginning and I really can’t believe it. I know I’m still a flawed human being with a lot of things to work on. I don’t know how this all ends or what new types of challenges that I’m in for. But for the first time in a long time, I have hope.

In September of 2020, I started doing creative projects again. When I was younger, I had an intense passion for creating short films, podcasts, and various other things. Somewhere along the way things slowed down a bit and it seemed like I had lost my spark. Over the course of a few years, I tried to get back to that place, even on some of my drunken evenings. The first time I conceived the idea of bringing back Media Pod Smash, I was sitting at a bar, writing on an index card that I had brought from home. Even through my inebriation, my soul could still see clearly and was begging me to figure out how to get that spark back. Today my fire burns brighter than ever before. I found a new love for doing things that make me feel full. Just this evening I took meaningful steps in a direction towards improving my craft; the old me would’ve probably not wanted to do that. Like I said before, I don’t know how this all ends. What I do know is that if a formerly drunken, unmotivated, and flawed human like me can fix his shit, then I think there’s hope for all of us.

Media Pod Smash, off!

-Jeremy