Category Archives: Essays

Summary

I am happy to finally present a long overdue essay, Adult Learning & The Long Dark. This is the whole story of my journey going back to college as an adult. I hope you’ll find some of these stories relatable and maybe even able to inspire.

Episode #190 – Adult Learning and The Long Dark

I was staring at a magic glowing entity – not unlike the version of Mr. Burns from that classic Simpsons episode. “What have I done?”, I recall asking it. The entity stared for a moment and blinked before proceeding, “Exactly what you wanted.”

That was it? I followed this bastard all the way through the mystical forest and up the magical mountain for this? I waited a bit to see if the entity would dispense any more words. Its mouth opened as I leaned in with anticipation, but it was no words coming out. Instead, a familiar tune…a melody. Oh, shit. This is all a sham, I’m dreaming.

It’s all over and I’m left in a mess of sheets, confusion, and some sweat. Sorry, I don’t know what to tell ya. People sweat sometimes and the dream was pretty intense. Besides all that, the other thing lying in bed beside me was a promise that I had made to myself. I was going to go back to school and the clock was ticking. I had to get my ass in gear. Sure, when a mic is rolling and a person is all fired up, it’s easy to say things like “I’m going back to school to honor my mother and make myself proud!” It’s a real feel-good proclamation. But to get out of bed on this brisk morning, weeks later, to even get one step in motion? Well, that’s a different story.

Looking back on past achievements, it was easy to see what I needed to do: simply take the first step and gain momentum. Make it real and start checking off boxes. The steps I needed were just the steps to get across the room.

The month was March. Most of the worst of winter was behind us for the year, but cold weather and gray snow continued to linger, and would for a while. To combat my feelings of dread from the long dark and conjure up the momentum that I was seeking, I took place in another 30-day challenge. The first challenge that I tried was a year before this and involved giving up energy drinks. The positive vibes created an avalanche, and over those 30 days, I ended up picking up quite a few great new habits while ridding myself of nasty, overly caffeinated energy drinks. Surly, this new one could be the jump start that I needed. From there, I could continue the progress and get some other big things accomplished.

Like many “event” type things in our lives, this one started with a bang. I was highly motivated and taking on a daily challenge was exciting. As weeks progressed, it became tougher to keep the same level of enthusiasm. By the final week, I had to hit the brakes. I got hit with a terrible sickness and a concerning knee injury. Early in the challenge, my knee started looking a feeling weird, but like any rational human, I ignored it, just hoping it would go away on its own. It did not, however, and was now larger and more fluid-filled than ever before. I had to finally throw my hands up and make that appointment call that oh so many people dread.

I’ll be honest, I’m pretty big on avoiding things and putting things off. I build up what the potential outcomes could be in my head and often freeze in place. So what if my knee looks like a grapefruit? I’m sure it’s no biggie. Bodies do weird things from time to time. I’m sure if I had more pain, I would’ve been more motivated, but it was just a big knee. Eventually, I knew I had to do something. After recovering from my sickness, I worked up the courage to make the call and get to the doctor. After a slight insurance annoyance, I got in. I was given prednisone and told to wrap it up. Damn. Not that I wanted anything invasive, but that was one expensive wrap. It did do the trick after about a week, so I was content. With no physical distractions to focus on now, it was time to turn my attention towards the other thing taking residency in my head.

I’d be lying if I were to say that I took action right away. The month of May sort of came and went without any major fanfare. In general, it’s a pretty packed month for me. There’s holiday fun to be had, there’s an annual convention that I attend, and it is the month in the Midwest where you can finally breathe for a bit and not have to worry about any more of that shitty white stuff falling from the sky. Of course, none of these are all that valid of excuses. I could have found the time to start the application process but didn’t. I mostly think that the initial build-up of what I needed to do in my head was huge. It had been so long and I had gotten so, so comfortable. Maybe it was a stupid idea anyhow-no, no, what am I saying? It wasn’t stupid. My new and improved mindset and inner voice were quick to change that narrative. It will be a very difficult thing to do. It will reacquaint me with feelings that I haven’t had in years. There will be sleepless nights, most likely, and the deadlines…oh man, that’s going to suck. Stupid though? Never. I had to remind myself that I was no longer that guy who walked away from it all and gave up. Not even the slightest.

By the time June rolled around, I wasn’t dragging my heels anymore. My stupid, positive overriding thoughts were right. It was going to be a lot of things, but never something that I’ll regret. So, I filled out my application, wrote a pretty killer essay, if I do say so myself, and crossed my fingers. It was up to the higher powers now.

Recent Summers have become a time for ice-cold n/a beers and lounging around without a care in the world. It was a bit of a different vibe this time. There were still plenty of n/a brews to be had, but the world’s weight pressed itself a little more heavily on me than usual. I felt that my odds of being accepted were good, but I couldn’t be certain. I was still on academic probation from before and didn’t have the best resume. If not for the film club, I wouldn’t have done shit or had shit to put on a list. Luckily, I heard back rather quickly.

It was around mid-July when it became real. I was officially going back to school. The old pressure of waiting for the mail lifted and a brand-new pressure instantly applied itself. My head spun with the thoughts of finances, getting up, studying, and those damn deadlines. Holy shit! Shut up, brain! It seemed like a lot, but everything seems like a lot until you chunk it down. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all anxiety. I was also very excited to return and grow as a human. Even though I did have my nerves, I knew that it’d be different this time. I’ve learned a lot about embracing the suck since my last time on campus. If I didn’t get something this time around, it wouldn’t be, “Oh, well”. It’ll be something more like, “Oh well, I guess I’m going to keep sitting here until it does make sense.” Yes, paying big bucks had a lot to do with the change in attitude as well, but I know I’m a far cry from that guy who walked out and gave up for a life of retail.

After a well-earned vacation toward the end of August, I rolled up my sleeves and got into student mode. One of the most noticeable differences right away was being able to attend a virtual orientation since I was a non-traditional student. No worries about having to “spirit” it up with young strangers and dodge flying university swag, like stress balls and tote bags. It was going to be nice to ease into things.

One of the first major steps before school started, was meeting with my advisor and making sure all the loose ends were tied and correct classes were signed up for. I had a pretty solid idea of what was left though and unfortunately for me, I put off a lot of what I would’ve considered the “tough” classes until the end. I needed at least one science with a lab, a mix of random other science credits, and one math class. As we wrapped up our meeting, I continued to glance down at my schedule and that annoying inner voice came back to question my choices. “What are we doing? This is going to suck!” I quickly tried to push these thoughts away. “No it won’t…okay, maybe it will, but nothing that I can’t handle.” It was becoming more and more apparent that I’d have to start preparing myself for more of these “psych-up” sessions. I was living such a dreamy and cushy life of energy drinks, late-night video game sessions, and plenty of ESPN background noise. The apple cart was about to get fucking rocked.

Summer was eventful and quick. Vacations, video editing, and various mini-panic attacks packed my calendar full. I squeezed what I could out of the remainder of my time and just like that, I tore another page off the wall and it was September.

My first in-person class was on Tuesday and Thursday at 10:30 am. It was a little bit early for me, but I could handle it. I’d get out of work at 11 pm and still have a pretty good chunk of time to wind down. The only other class that I had that semester was Bio Anthropology online. No lecture to attend, just a shit ton of reading. Most importantly, reading on my own time, when most convenient for me. Having dabbled a bit in self-discipline, I thought nothing I could not handle. There was a thought of maybe adding a 3rd class to try and expedite things, however, after some thought, I decided against it. In hindsight, this was a wise choice.

The lead-up to the first day involved a bit of overthinking and a visit to the campus to locate my classroom and the optimal lot to park in. After that, my mental checklist was complete. It was the real deal now. One week later, I was on my way to the start of a new future. As I made my morning commute to the building, it was hard to believe that this was happening. Years and years of thinking, then deciding and yet more thinking and overthinking.

The drive was much better this time around. In the years since going the first time, they made a bypass that was a direct route to campus. Gone were the days of driving an extra 10 or so minutes through a random subdivision. It wasn’t a huge deal, but every small win was a win and helped add to the momentum. When I finally made it to my destination and went inside, it was like I was instantly transported back to 2010. It wasn’t ancient history, so I didn’t expect major change as far as the interiors were concerned. My interiors, on the other hand, had some pretty high standards set for me.

No matter what, the first day is always usually a breeze. Unless of course, you get lost or you have a teacher that decides to say, “screw the syllabus, we’re diving right in!” In the case of this Geology 101 class that I was currently sitting in, this was looking like one of those breeze kinda days bay-bee! It was looking like we wouldn’t even have to do one of those weird ice-breaker activities. This could be alright. As I looked around the room, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit out of place. I wasn’t that much older, and non-traditional learners seemed to be becoming a more common thing, yet I still had to wonder how I would be able to relate to some of these Gen Zs. When it comes to current trends, I don’t know shit about fuck. And yes, that’s a precise measurement.

For the first semester, it would turn out, none of that mattered. My in-person class had very little participation. I was even right about not having the ice-breaker, getting-to-know-you type thingy. As for my other class, it was entirely self-guided online, aside from weekly discussion posts. It was looking like I could cross a few worries off my list for the time being, and focus on others, which was good. It had become a pretty lengthy list.

The first couple of weeks were pretty simple. Lots of introductions and some basic concepts. Great, I can sit here and learn this stuff. My geology professor was very engaging and funny, so that helped a lot. The hardest part was just having to adjust my schedule to be able to sleep and pack more into my days. With working 2nd shift, I’d get home at 11 and would have to be on the road by 9:40 to be on time for the 10:30 class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It was a tad early, but not extreme. I still had a little bit of time to wind down after work, which is good, because a lack of decompression time can drive a person crazy.

With the other days in the week, I’d have to find the time to do the online class with a lab component. I wondered how a self-guided lab was going to work, though my spirits remained high at the start of the journey. I could certainly absorb information and I was going to be continuing my pep talks, so really, how bad is this going to be?

Stupid hero of the story, don’t you know you aren’t supposed to ask silly questions like that? Week three came and started to ramp up. I was desperately still trying to keep the Halloween magic alive while making sure not to slip on studying or assignments. Let’s talk assignments for a second.

Having never taken an online class before, I had no idea what to expect and had never experienced discussion posts before. I would have to say, I’m not a huge fan of those and get the impression that many others are not either. On non-locked posts, if you find yourself late to the party, it is really hard not to sound like you are just vomiting up another person’s answer. As for replies, I always feel like I’m a robot writing a generic post. “Interesting post, human! I gained a lot of insight!” I mean, some stuff there just isn’t a lot to say. Other assignments included reading articles and answering questions. Some of the articles could be pretty dense and I found out pretty early on through some oddly brief feedback, that the answers needed to be pretty damn detailed. I’m not trying to make this a bitch and moan fest, but the workload was heavy. Still, though, I was putting out content and getting my stuff turned in on time.

I had a prime parking spot for my in-person class and as we had gotten into a rhythm, it seemed like there wasn’t going to be a lot of homework, aside from studying for the tests, of course. I thought that I was doing a great balancing act. That was until October rolled around. Besides spooky vibes this year, I’d also be receiving a giant wake-up call.

My first big exam came at the end of week 4. This was for the online class and consisted of two parts; a machine-graded, multiple-choice section worth 70 points, and three short answer questions worth 10 points each, instructor-graded. Creative endeavors continued to take up the bulk of my time while I tried my best to study the material.

Again, since I wasn’t the greatest student back in the day, I didn’t have many good study strategies. At the start of this thing, I mostly just read and re-read a bunch of stuff, hoping to absorb it. And honestly, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of doing so. The early topics were about Darwin and evolution concepts. I’m no dummy, I thought. I get it. I’ve been around this scientific block before. It is all good. It was almost a weird overconfidence despite all of the other anxieties that I was facing. It felt really good up on that perch. I was a majestic, beautiful bird who towered above it all, not knowing what he didn’t know. Then, test day arrived.

Another interesting element of taking an online class was the flexibility with test times. The test would unlock on a certain day and you’d be given two days to complete it. I thought this option would give me more freedom and less to worry about, though I started to learn more about myself and found this option got me feeling even more overwhelmed. Sounds insane, but I just couldn’t seem to figure out the “perfect” time to take the exam. After work on Friday to get it out of the way? Saturday morning after a run, so that I’m all fired up? Saturday night? Or possibly even Friday before work, so I could enjoy the weekend fully? These were all the maddening things that swirled through my head.

I decided to take my first one on Friday before work. Logically, the option of getting ready and possibly working out prior was probably the best, yet at the end of the day, there’s only so much extra you can wring out of that brain. You are either prepared or not prepared for the test. I probably could have been much better prepared. I scored 49 out of 70 for part one. Bye-bye perch. That meant that I had to have some damn good short answers. Even then, the best that I’d be able to get was a 79. Oof. I was hoping for a much better start than that. Luckily, he went easy on our first round of short answers. I ended up only getting a couple of points off in that section. A slight silver lining, but I was not happy.

This was not my best and certainly not the way to get off of academic probation. The score was a huge punch in the gut. My doubt started creeping back in. My office, once a creative factory of wonders, was now my version of “the very bad place”. Like Jason’s shack or the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house, the location took on a life of its own and was now a dreadful place to hang around.

Still stinging, I tried my best to shake things off and enjoy the weekend. I knew I just needed a plan and a pep talk. First, the pep talk. I first called my sister. I thank the universe for having someone so supportive and encouraging to help me out of deep pits. The conversation was helpful, even though it didn’t stop me from dwelling on it during work that night. The next pep-talk was from me. “Look dude, it’s not like we bombed it. I can’t even believe that we’re here! That’s awesome! We got this. Grow and get a plan.”

Fortunately, I was having a much easier time with the other class. The concepts were much easier to grasp and the test material was a little more predictable. It still took some late nights and intense study sessions, but the outcome and feelings were much better. The exact timeline is a little hazy. All I know is that the results of this test came after my online exam, and I was now starting to feel more self-confident. Okay, one bad score and one great, not bad, I thought. Two passed tests at the end of the day. The ship remained floating above the water. Even with the other score taking the edge off, it was hard not to keep thinking about the bad results. Thoughts of academic probation and worries of failure danced through my head at night. Some nights were just a complete wash as I’d toss and turn inside my sweaty sheets. I was also stressing about still trying to get some October content released.

We were deep into the month and though the effort remained, it was far from the previous two years. Happy or not with my output thought, it would still prove to be too much with a potential degree on the line. I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t doing enough on the school side of things. It was re-calibration and planning time, for real.

By the end of October, I had a half-assed collection of spooky content for the year and some eye-opening test attempts. I’d like to say that I immediately learned how to be a great student and never under-performed again, but alas, there was still some more growth and harsh realities in store for me. The 2nd time around for my online test, I thought I’d try to take it on Friday after work, instead of before. More time for my brain to wake up, a little more time to cram, this will be great. I did do better on the machine-graded part…by one question. Fuck.

In the end, I ended up with a worse score than the first exam, due to a more harsh level of grading for the written portion this time. I was beyond devastated. The next day was supposed to be a fun outing at the Milwaukee Zoo. Boo At The Zoo to be exact. They decked out the zoo with decorations, music, and activities for the season. Normally, I’d be psyched about such an event, but I was still reeling. I know I still passed and I know I didn’t have any major plans to become a biological anthropologist. I still just couldn’t stop thinking about the academic probation thing. I needed to stay above 2.0. I would do calculations obsessively. I looked like the crazy conspiracy guy with the board full of papers with various strings connecting them in various ways.

I also know that I had to find a way to calm the hell down. This was a whole new challenge, and hell yeah there were going to be bumps. Despite my best efforts, that weekend was mostly a wash. The one way that I did try to salvage things a bit, was by trying to squeeze out more points and momentum from a lab. Besides, they had looming due dates anyway, so better now than panicking a couple of nights before.

There were 5 labs total. 3 were due pretty early on in the semester, and the last 2 were due at the end. I didn’t think these would haunt me as much as they did. I liked the self-guided idea and at first, all those due dates seemed so far away. My biggest concern was just the unknown. I was rusty and didn’t know how much prior knowledge these things would require. Pep-talk time; it had been a while and I was stressing the hell out on a Sunday evening. “Who gives a shit what’s on the lab? I am the guy now! Can you read the instructions and breathe? Awesome! Do the lab!”

The first lab was about genetics. There was just a small moment of panic at the start, in which I saw some walls of text with some very science-y and complicated-sounding words. “Get a hold of yourself, man!” I dug in. I pretended that I was doing an editing project. Sometimes I can throw myself so into editing a video that I’ll get in a flow state and not realize that a night has passed. The sun is getting ready to rise and I can hear the birds. Sure, this kind of thing isn’t nearly as fascinating, but that doesn’t matter. Human will and determination over a little bit of boredom and the loss of a Sunday night.

The lab ended up going well, and by November, I was feeling like I was back on more solid ground again. The results of my 2nd in-person exam were excellent. Over 100% percent with the points from the extra credit. In the online course, I continued to grind through the readings and discussions, absorbing as much information as I could along the way. Creative stuff started to slow down once I uploaded the Halloween special. I knew I’d return in a big way, but right now I had to be real. I continued to calculate scores like a madman, as I prepped for the third Bio Anthropology exam.

This time around, I tried to implement a bit of a new strategy. All this reading was daunting. I wasn’t crazy about it and wasn’t sure if it was my style of learning. I didn’t stop reading, but I did add an app to my arsenal called “Speechify”. It allowed me to take pictures of the textbook and have it read back to me on my phone through the app. I could even get a variety of fun celebrity voices, like Snoop Dogg. Now that’s how to learn about ancient history! And I swear, they aren’t paying me for this, it just helped. I was now able to listen to my textbook chapters at work, on walks, or during various downtime. I also re-added listening to motivational audio. With all the chaos lately, I had been slacking on a lot of my usual “rah-rah” stuff. It was important to try to get that routine back in place.

Without getting myself motivated and pumped up in various ways, I started to notice a negative chain reaction. Without positive talk, it can be really easy to slip on the other positive things that I built up in my life. Among the lack of listening to audio was a lack of workouts. The lack of workouts made it difficult to sleep at night. I was in desperate need of hype.

On the decent days when I had time and energy, I’d ride my bike and listen to motivational compilations on YouTube. I tried to take advantage of the nice days, knowing that the long dark was on the way. This was maybe going to be one of the longest and darkest in quite some time. I wouldn’t be able to lock myself indoors and let it all blow over. It’d be life and class routine no matter the temperature or feelings. I tried not to think too much about it, though. Exam three was fast approaching. It was time to see if my re-calibrations were working.

This time, I decided that I’d try and take the test early Saturday afternoon, after breakfast and a workout. I would then reward myself by going to see Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving. This was my most solid plan yet. I felt pretty good and secure in my knowledge. The day arrived, I did my rituals and dove in. The time ticked down, I reached deep into my well of info, and I battled hard. When it was finally over, no cheers or fanfare. Nearly the same outcome. This sucked! I felt like with the audio I had a much better grasp. Maybe it was helping, but my other methods were still cloudy. In what was becoming an all too familiar pattern, I felt pretty down on myself and had a hard time enjoying the rest of the weekend. I didn’t even see the movie. I mostly just wallowed in my exam results and tried another last-ditch salvage attempt with a Sunday night lab session.

It was difficult to press on after repeated rough test scores. I had to make sure that I also celebrated the positives, as much as the negative things were bringing me down. I had an excellent score in my Geology class. At this point, I’d have to stop showing up to fail. So, that was one thing.

Another thing was the upcoming Winter break. Time to catch up on sleep and know that you never have to take either of those classes again.

Before that break, I’d have a final for each class, and of course, those final labs. In the final remaining weeks, there were also little things like the continued discussions and homework. Generally, aside from a few minor errors, I always managed to turn in posts and homework and get my points. I took pride in my consistency and knew that every point mattered. The feedback was always pretty brief, however, it was also generally accompanied by full credit, so it was whatever. That was until one particular assignment that I must have been a little more careless with. When I received my feedback this time, there were a few more words: “more info needed from the article”, along with partial credit. Damn, okay. I guess maybe I was getting a little bit relaxed here with the end of the semester coming up. Next time, I’ll remember that.

For the assignment that next week, I decided to go all in on the details. I wrote a mini-essay and made sure not to miss any part of the question. It was maybe a bit of overkill, but I wanted those damn points.

A couple of days later, I got my feedback: “I have a hard time believing that you wrote this yourself, but I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.” Wait, what? That was the last thing that I was expecting. This dude thought that I used AI for this? I write everything! He didn’t know me and AI is used by students, so I had to try not to overreact. I also couldn’t let this distract me from finals and the labs. An email would be my plan after sleeping on it. Yes, I had the points, but I still had to say something. I needed to state my case. The only thing that I was guilty of, was being “too cute” with my answer. I worried that this would have an impact on an upcoming lab that required us to write an essay. Would he think that I used AI for this, too?

I calmly stated my case, while making sure to mention my writing hobby/passions. The essays, screenplays, and whatnot. I said all that I could without going overboard and hit submit. It felt nice to stand up for myself, even if the reply was still unknown. It would be a bit of time before I got a response. He said that I used concepts that were not in the article and that was about it. He also reiterated that he had given me the benefit of the doubt. To this day, I’ll tell you, what he said isn’t true. Anything that I wrote was written by me and obtained solely from the article provided. I had to move on with my life though. I wasn’t about to go back and forth with this guy. It was what it was. All I had was my word and my best effort. I pressed on.

The only other thing that I did do, was meet with my advisor. I just wanted to make a quick mention of the incident and give my side of the story, just in case anything else happened. The month continued with some decent weather days. There was no need to ring the long dark alarm bell just yet. The only creative project that I was concentrating on, was my annual Christmas Special. Wear something silly and play some games. A simple tradition that I couldn’t break. The rest of the time was just grinding it out.

It took a few weeks to complete the essay lab. After going down some rabbit holes of research, I can say I did get some enjoyment from the paper, and dare I say, learned some cool stuff. With the prior AI question in the back of my mind, I just tried as best I could to give it my voice.

With just a few weeks to go, I was down to one more lab, two finals, and a handful of small assignments. I was pretty burned out my this point and just happened to get hit with a sickness. Of course. Why not just add one more thing, oh great and powerful universe? “Break was coming”. I’d make sure to keep reminding myself.

The last lab was pretty sweet. He saved the best for last. It was a forensic science lab, in which you had to examine three example bodies and figure out details about them. It put us in the role of detective and felt more like a game than actual school work. Finishing that lab was a huge relief. Since the beginning of the semester, I felt like each lab was an added weight. I’d dream of these labs and deadlines. They’d float above, making ghostly “oooo” noises, haunting me. I remember marking the due dates on my calendar and checking every so often, to see how many days remained, much like my insane grade calculation sessions.

With a little less than a week to go, I had to just worry about the finals. Geology was pretty much a lock, while online I was at least feeling a little better than the previous ones. Before the test, I got a bit of relief in the form of graded labs. To my amazement, I ended my last set of labs with 100’s. The essay that I was concerned about? 100! This was great news. The past three tests were full of stress and pressure. I welcomed these finals with open arms. It had all been building toward this. Sit down, do your best for a couple of hours, and then you will be free.

The results were my best yet. I killed it on the multiple choice and did alright on the written. With the score of this exam, plus all the labs, I was able to bring my overall grade to an A-. The Geology final also went well, as expected. I ended that class with a solid A. All that worrying and all the sleepless nights had been worthwhile. I was at the end of semester one. There was a way to go, but I’d get a well-deserved Winter break.

As expected, the time off flew by. I had a wonderful holiday and was able to increase my creative output for a bit. It was nice to recharge the batteries while also not having to worry about getting up early. I was a little worried about getting too comfortable, as I had about a month of time off. That’s ample time to get back into the old swing of things. The long dark was now in full effect, as well. There were plenty of snowy, shitty, gray days during my time off. “Don’t get comfy!” I’d keep trying to remind myself that the war wasn’t over. By the third or fourth week, I caught up with plenty of games, made a bunch of content, and was starting to feel pretty lazy. “Wake up, motivation guy! This was just round one.”

One of the best things about achieving great things is the fact that you can now use that achievement to help drive you towards more. Like a resume’ of sorts, your past list is proof to yourself that you’ve done it, and can certainly do it again. My energy was starting to wane, but I looked back at my resume. This was indeed, only the first round, and even though I didn’t exactly feel ready, I moved forward. Semester two, here we come.

It was now the end of January. I was in a rocky mental state with the long dark in full force and rising self-doubts from the anticipation of this upcoming class. For this semester, I decided that I was going to take just one class and lab. The class was Environmental Ethics, in person. As convenient as online was, it was nice to have a break from it and get my office back to Smashland. I didn’t know anything about this class, it just happened to check a lot of boxes. I sat in my messy office, a newly 33-year-old frantically scanning a computer screen. I was reading the syllabus and flipping shit. This all sounded like a lot. I paused, then called my sister. Like our conversation after my first botched test, this was helpful.

It was pretty silly to worry, having just come out of the epic battle with two A’s and most importantly, off of academic probation. A lot of pressure was off. I proved to myself that I am that guy now. Will it still suck going forward? Yes! It’s going to be okay though.

The format of this class was odd. It was co-taught. One teacher for the environmental side of things, and one for the philosophy side. On day one, that thing that I didn’t want to have to happen on the first day of my other in-person class, happened! The weird getting-to-know-you, ice-breaker thingy. It was awkwardville and I was the mayor. I should also mention that the class began with an announcement that there would be a two-hour delay due to nasty weather. Great start.

Still, though, I held my head up high and tried to stay positive. Besides the ice breaking on the roads and in the classroom, the rest of the day was a breeze. Gotta love syllabus day. By the end of the day, my mind was a bit more at ease about the content of this class. It was going to be interesting to see how the two elements being taught would come together. I was also informed that we’d be taking some field trips during the semester. Adult field trips? Hell yeah!

A major adjustment for me again, was getting up. This time I had to get up at 7 am, leave by 7:45ish, and be to class by 8:30. It was rough. I never quite got into a rhythm with it. A lot of mornings seemed to come so quickly. “No, it can’t be!” It so totally was though.

I kept doing the things that I was supposed to do. As weeks went by, I never really stopped feeling like a zombie from the sleeplessness, but I was squashing a lot of previous worries. The labs, for instance, weighed heavy in my mind going into this thing. I’d only ever done the self-guided ones. What would the groups be like? How hands-on are we talking? Will there be math? Am I old, weird, and not able to relate to anyone now?

Turned out, the labs were fine. Lots of article reading and in-class discussions about lots of modern environmental issues. One of the labs was even about the ethical use of AI. What a difference a semester makes, I thought. One minute I’m getting accused of using it, the next semester, I’m embracing and learning about it. The people in the class were great. Everyone was super nice and helpful. Groups were constantly changing, so you got to know a lot of different people.

Big tests came in the form of, well, tests. That and some pretty large projects. There were two projects worth the same as doing an exam. One was a group project with presentation elements. The other project was a solo presentation about a local environmental supporter.

Based on what my other in-person class was like, I didn’t think that I’d be doing so much stuff. A lot of it ended up being very educational, so I’m not complaining. I was more just surprised.

Just before the midterms, I was in a pretty solid spot. I had aced the first exam and was staying on top of all the assignments and discussions. It was time to finish this thing off.

The group assignment went so smoothly, that it is hardly worth talking about. Everyone did what they were supposed to, we got the points. Having read some horror stories about college group assignments on Reddit, I was quite relieved. I even happened to kinda know one of the people in my group. It turned out that I had his mom as a teacher way back in the day, so that was cool.

For the solo presentation, I had the perfect spot, and it was practically a stone’s throw away. The place was called Michael Fields, an agricultural research institute. There were many acres of farm fields with lots of different experimenting being done. The main building was an area with an office where they would host different community events, such as farmer’s markets. I had a previous connection to this building because back in high school, I worked at a bakery that was located on the grounds. As I worked in the kitchen and peered out the window, I would always wonder what they did back there. Over a decade later, I’d learn more than I could ever possibly imagine.

I first reached out on social media and then was directed to an email that I could send a message to. I stated clearly what my plans were, identified who I was, and heard back fairly quickly. It wasn’t long before I was marking down a date on my calendar. It was set. This got me thinking about accessing places. In the future, if there is a place that interests me, I could always just say that I’m a student. Doesn’t seem like many people will question you, and you’ll get yourself a free sightseeing tour.

I hated getting up, but it was nice to fill my mornings with a little more variety and step out of my comfort zone. I was feeling very well-rounded. These past two semesters had me doing many things that I wouldn’t normally be doing if it weren’t for going back. As I walked around the institute, snapping photos, and asking plenty of questions, I thought some thoughts about the nature of life. It sure is crazy the places where our paths start to branch off after making a major change.

My presentation on Michael Fields went great. The person showing me around provided me with tons of information. My focus was on a special type of grain that they were growing, Kernza: A deep, perennial grain that can be used as an annual wheat substitute. When the tour was over, I was given a bag of Kernza to try, so I decided that I’d make some Kernza cookies to go along with my presentation. You can never go wrong with cookies. Going up in front of class was a little bit shaky, but nothing like it used to be. I was a lot less intimidated this time around, plus I knew that I had an interesting slide show to provide. I would also like to think that the previous few years of spewing into a microphone helped me out.

After midterms, I had two big projects and two big exams behind me, I was in another comfortable position. It would have to be a royal screw-up now to not pass this thing, which was good. It sounded like I was nailing this thing, which was true, but the days were still not all that great in terms of weather. Each morning, I found myself getting more and more drained. Some days were quite the battle as I’d say to myself, “Come on pal, what’s one little missed class? I hadn’t missed a single one yet, who would care?” I know myself and I know how avalanches work though, and so I stayed strong.

The long dark finally subsided and I could see hints of better weather around the start of April. This also happened to be when we started the field trips. Again, I found myself doing some very unique things that I probably wouldn’t have done if it weren’t for school. Our first trip was to a water treatment plant. It wasn’t the most exciting thing in the world, but I did see some cool stuff, and going on location beats a classroom setting every time.

The other location that we would visit, multiple times, was the Field Station. This was an area in a building with a wildlife rescue center and tons of surrounding land. There was also a small classroom in the building where we would all meet at the start. Each visit was a new experience and lesson. We learned about prairie restoration, Aldo Leopold and his Land Ethic, and I one point I found myself wadding around in the river collecting macro-invertebrates with a net.

It was a wild end to the year. One day I’m panicking in my bedroom about a shitty score, the next I’m getting in touch with nature and collecting specimens. I wasn’t ever taking on a full load, but I certainly felt like I was getting the full experience.

With the weather finally getting better, my mental health followed closely behind. Mornings were a bit easier with the chirping of birds and sunlight. The commute could still be a drag at times, but it was what it was. I was so close to the end, that was all the motivation that I needed.

By May, I was already looking ahead at plans and all the things that I would do once I had my life back for a while. I was jonesing for some creativity and who knows what else. I was just happy to be heading into another break. The final for the class was a 98 thanks to some extra credit, and perhaps a little bit of luck from the universe. I couldn’t ask for a better end to class and more importantly, the year. I had gone through the wringer, gotten beaten down, lost lots of sleep, and questioned my sanity and intelligence, and I don’t regret an entire thing. I was once that guy who left school and dreamed of going back, but ultimately just stared at old transcripts and spun my wheels.

Now, I could say that I took the steps and did it. Holy shit. At this very moment, I know I’m not done. I still have a stupid math class lingering over my head for next fall, and then of course, there’s the whole question of what’s after that. I was happy that I did this, but another two years in a traditional classroom setting? I don’t know. Maybe some more soul-searching is in order this Summer.

Here’s what I do know: There is an unbelievable power in each of us. We can do hard things that at one point, our past selves would have thought nearly impossible. We can keep our word and do right by ourselves and the important people in our lives. We can find redemption through commitment and challenge. We can grow way beyond what we thought was possible. We can do it all if we make a decision and start. It’s scary and there will be plenty of unknowns.

You may fall off your perch and start to look around, wondering what the hell is going on, but it will all be okay. Everything ends. The good and the bad things all wrap up at some point. It may not seem like the end will ever come, but it does. I write this right now, still in amazement. It is finally over…for now. Like all good schlocky horror films, a sequel will be coming. Right now though, I’m going to add this to my ongoing resume of achievements and enjoy my summer. The 31 days of Halloween are calling my name and I’m ready for a different type of challenge.

As we end this thing, I’d like to first dedicate this essay to that dude who thought I used AI. Here are 20-some pages that say otherwise. I’d also like to dedicate this to my mom. She was always a huge supporter of mine and I knew that she wanted me to go back. Lastly, it is dedicated to anyone who is looking to go back and try that thing one more time. If you are looking for a sign from the universe, this is it. You are all you need and it is not too late. You can breathe, right? Great! That and a little bit of determination are all you need. If I can go back to school 10+ years later, after walking away from a final and being put on academic probation, that sure be all the proof you need. You can do anything.

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