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Summary

In this special scripted episode, I do some deep reflecting and try to combat the long dark.

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To read along:

Return of The Long Dark

The party is over. No more spooky posting marathons, no presents or obnoxious songs, no confetti or balls dropping; just the long dark. Sigh. While walking the sidewalks of one of my favorite towns, basking in the beautiful Summer sun, I know what’s coming, but it feels so far off at the time, who cares? Well, here we are, right in the middle of it. It was a pretty mild start to the winter here, so I shouldn’t be bitching, yet I can’t help myself. It’s not that right now and currently, it feels like a sick day.

Trapped inside, bouncing from the TV to the treadmill, to the computer, and of course, a few trips to the fridge thrown in there every now and again as well. The only difference from this and a sick day is that I’m perfectly healthy and would love to go out, but it’s fucking brutal out there and my ambition is gone. Now, a few critics may say, “come on, Mr. Positive Guy! Why not bundle up and try to make the most of it?” Well, screw you! You make the most of it and stop hypothetically criticizing my every waking move! I’m a human being, damnit! Whew, sorry about that.

The long dark tends to change people. Good, normal people can become monsters in the long dark if not careful. It’s cold as fuck and there’s tons of snow everywhere. Had this been during the week, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad; they may cancel activities and I would have had a day off of work. Instead, it’s over the course of an entire weekend. Mother nature, you bitch! Thanks for that, really kind of you.

I mindlessly scroll and see others trying to make the most of it via social media. Skiing, snowboarding, snowmobiling, a bunch of activities that can only be done during this season. Good for them, but I don’t have an interest in freezing my balls off just to transport myself from one area to another using a special winter mode of transport. I’ve tried to ski and snowboard in the past and it wasn’t pretty. Now that I’m older and get random aches and pains, I can assume it’ll be just as not pretty. It’s not like I’m against physical activity. If you know me, you know that I’m a bit of a freak when it comes to running and working out, but all that Winter shit? No, not for me. All I want to do right now is veg out in the hot tub and reflect on things.

The ultimate place to think, my zen place to escape when I start to get a little too bitter for my own good; my hot tub. It has always helped center me, especially during the long dark. I’ve written about this a few times in the past, most recently in my “Zen & Other Stuff” episode. It’s a place that I’ve meditated in, quite successfully in the past. The heat, jets, little waterfall, and beautiful night sky are all factors that aid in this practice. I should be attempting to meditate right now, but I’m just here to chill out at the moment. My brain is super-wired and there’s so much to think about. I know how important it is to return to zen, but I just need to survive the long dark right now.

I sit up for a moment and attempt to air-dry my hands enough to grab my phone. A few minutes later, I’m scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. Oh, fuck. This is one of those places where you shouldn’t be doing that. Not just because it could potentially fall in the water, but also the fact that it’s a sacred spot. This is the one place that needs to be a retreat from the constant dopamine chase that my brain is on. Put the damn phone down, self! Back to the reflecting. I’m not asking you to force happiness, but I will force you to stay present and in the moment. Look up. What do you see? An overcast shitty winter sky…okay, stop looking up. Just close your eyes and let the thoughts come and go.

More time passes and eventually, the jets run through their cycle and turn off. We’ve reached one of the most difficult points of owning one of these things; exiting. It’s not a far walk back inside, but those few seconds of closing the lid, grabbing my stuff, and running to the door, really suck. I won’t do it. I refuse. Maybe I could just spend the rest of my life here. I’ll order all of my essentials through delivery services with a special note to the driver to bring the items to the open tub around the back. I’ll find a job where I can now work remotely from my new hot tub office space. Great views and lots of space for all of my stuff; even spots for coffee. Okay, I know I’m being ridiculous but I hit the jets button and start them back up. I will leave at some point, just not now. There is a bit more reflection needed.

Is this an escape from the pressing responsibilities of life, disguised as a long moment of reflection and an attempt to get centered? My room could use a good cleaning, I’ve got bills to pay, and there’s a bunch of creative stuff on the back burner. I’d bet that just addressing one of these things would feel good and help go a long way in combating the feelings that come with the long dark. It’s not like I’ve been doing nothing though. My good habits are still in place, my streak of crushing bad habits continues, and January happened to be a big month of growth for my YouTube channel. There are a lot of positive takeaways, yet I feel like I could be doing so much more. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know, let’s hit the jet button again.

The end of Fall and the whole month of December were smooth sailings for me. The weather helped, but even on the shitty days, I had a great mindset. Let’s see, what the hell did I write about last year? Maybe there’s something in that guide. If I can’t follow my own advice, it’ll be really tough to sell that upcoming book. I know I’m not supposed to pull out the phone, but let’s make an exception. Alright, here we go, Tip #1: Forgive Yourself and Keep Moving Forward! Hey, that’s pretty good, me. I forgive you for not doing as much as you set out to do on this dreary day. Let’s move forward after this jet cycle finishes up.

I continue to read through the rest of my tips but soon find myself straying from the page and heading over to the Reddit app. Quickly I catch myself. Dammit! Put the phone back down. I slowly put the phone down as the next jet cycle stops. Okay, time to get out, I’m getting all pruney and I’m sure it’s pretty late. Fuck it, one more. I hit the button once again and lean back while closing my eyes.

I recently celebrated a birthday, the big 3-2. I wonder if aging also adds to what I’m feeling right now. It’s not like I feel old or anything I’m in good shape. I could probably run laps around my 20-year-old self, but it does seem to have arrived quite quickly. I can still remember those early days of navigating this world as a young adult like it was yesterday.

I graduated from high school in 2009. I had no major honors or letters or anything like that, but lots of hope for the future. I had mega dreams and was sure that one day I was going to be a filmmaker or be involved with some other type of creative endeavor. All I had to do was get through the hurdle that was college and not drink too much. That seemed easy enough; I hardly ever drank in high school and I was smart enough to get through all of that schooling pretty easily, even if I did have a few issues with studying and motivation. Those things could be worked on, I figured.

My college of choice was UW-Waukesha, a fairly close-to-home, commuter school. At the time, I was a bit of an anxious kid and didn’t want to move anywhere right away. Plus, this was affordable and would be a stepping stone to another, larger school after a couple of years. By that point, I could have a bunch of money saved and I’d be ready to move into the next chapter. Then, after that, hello Hollywood! The plan looked good on paper, most things do. Especially if you are using some really fancy stationary or burned the edges and wrote with a quill, in order to make it look old-timey. However, in execution, the plan was much different.

It began toward the end of the Summer of 09. I had already taken the necessary steps and familiarized myself with the school a bit by this point. Currently, I was in the car with my family headed to the school for orientation day, not feeling super-stoked about things. The way I saw it, I already had close friends at home and as a commuter, was just here for the school. I didn’t need to get all spirited and join a bunch of clubs; I was feeling “too cool” for that. In all reality, I was more just nervous and anxious about things. All of this was so new. Strange classes, no familiar faces, and a constant drive back and forth. I was worried about what was coming and hoped that I was making the right choice. I’d most likely only have one shot at this thing and felt a bit of pressure.

Orientation started with a small group tour around campus. It was a really nice place. Small and pretty easy to navigate. It felt like just a slightly upgraded version of high school to me. After the tour, we went into an auditorium to listen to some speeches and get some university swag. I remember sitting there, watching lots of people get into the spirit, mingling with one another, shouting and throwing swag around. I should have gotten in on this, but I continued to sit silently with my folks. This wasn’t me, not in that moment. I still had so much on my mind, as well as the previous reasons mentioned.

Deep into September, as I started to get more acquainted with my environment, I became more open to experiences. I had an idea for a film and would need some creative and like-minded collaborators in order to pull this thing off. Also, there were lots of gaps in between my classes and I didn’t want to sit around all day being a complete loner. Early on, I was presented with a great opportunity to meet people: club sign-up day. This was an all day campus event with live music, food, and every potential club at the school lined up at individual tables with their advisor and sign-up sheet. Looking back, this day would prove to be one of the most impactful of all the days during my time at this place.

I remember walking outside into the courtyard and being overwhelmed by the music, tables, and crowds. I had already heard about a club that I was interested in, now I just needed to find it. “Let’s see, Math club…hell no. Some political nonsense…pass. Film club, here we go!” I had located the Film Club table and met two people who would become those collaborating, creative types that I had in mind.

There was Damon, a professor and head of the film club. This was a guy with a passion for film and he totally knew his shit. I’d end up learning a lot from this guy, mostly practical film skills that I still use when creating videos. My last semester was mostly loaded with classes taught by Damon, but we’ll get to that part eventually.

Then, there was Derek, a student who was the same age as me. He shared the same interest in video and storytelling. We’d go on to create a few short films together, throughout our limited time spent there. His professionalism and grand visions for what could be were always something that impressed me.

The club would meet once a week and did many things. Early on, we shot a short horror film. We met over the course of three different weekends, each person from the club bringing a unique set of skills to the table. The end product was something special that we could all look back on and say, “hell yeah, we did that”. Not only that, but we’d eventually get to show the film at a student film fest that we created! I learned a lot from film club and am so glad that I made the decision to join up. It still amazes me that we were able to pull all those things off. Year one truly started with a bang.

However, this was something I could not say the same about in regards to other college adventures. Near the end of semester number two, I found myself going through a pretty shitty breakup, not that any of them are ever all that good. It added to the anxiousness that I was already feeling from just trying to navigate this new world. On top of that, I started to feel a little disenchanted with the whole college thing in general. I knew that I’d have to get through the gen eds to get to the good stuff, but I was already struggling and getting bored.

By year two, film club lost some key members, but also picked up a few new ones as well. We continued to do some amazing things: another film fest, another student collaborative film, and some pretty cool promo videos, just to name a few. Some days, I felt like this was the only good thing about school, as sad as that sounds.

The film that I had dreams of creating was starting to implode and I started to get more into drinking. Things that used to seem really important to me, weren’t so much anymore. My grades started to decline, as well as my effort. The future started to freak me the fuck out.

When I first signed up for this, I envisioned a two year stint, an associates degree, then a transfer to a four year school to finish things out. After that, I could break into the creative industry and live my dreams. It seemed so simple at the time, yet as I stood at the entry of my early-ass class on the first day of year three, I realized, maybe it was a little bit more complicated.

This year ended up being a pretty big waste, aside from the film classes that I took. They didn’t really count for much, but if this was going to be it for me then damn it, I was going to learn some film-making techniques! One class that I attempted was History of Western Civilization. This was something that did count and would’ve gotten me real close to the end. All I needed to do was buckle down and concentrate. Instead, I blew a lot of shit off and ended up failing pretty badly. I felt really dumb, but also had the idea that I could retake that or something similar in the next semester.

Other classes that semester were pretty close to that History ordeal. I’d end the first half of year three with my worst GPA yet. My last memory of that semester was walking out of a class before finishing the final because I didn’t think it was going to go very well anyways. In fact, that was my last memory of that school. There would be no second semester in year three. I told myself and everyone close to me that I was going to take a break, but I never returned. I felt like a pretty big failure; a big, directionless failure, who now had to bump himself up to full-time in retail.

As time progressed, I moved up through the company a tiny bit until I realized how much all that corporate bullshit sucked. I never had any proper training, I constantly got yelled at by shitty costumers and management, and to be fair, I wasn’t always the best team player either. I was a cynical, drunk asshole. I was entitled and at times had a certain unwillingness to learn or do things that were required. I didn’t want to be like this or have my life be like this at all. Truthfully, I was just really scared and defeated. I had only one path in my mind during all of this and when that didn’t work out, I didn’t know what to do. At a certain point, I decided to step down from management. I didn’t know much, but I did know that this couldn’t be my life. I told everybody that I’d be going back to school and returning to part-time. The part-time part was true, the schooling was a big, fat, lie.

I actually did want to, yet I couldn’t get the ball rolling. I dragged my feet a whole bunch and it just never happened. The next year, co-workers would ask me how school was going. Those words stung like hell. I wanted to tackle them to the ground and scream, however, I think that would’ve been grounds for dismissal, and it’s not like they knew the truth. I’m assuming that they were just trying to be friendly and supportive.

Instantly, I snap back to reality. The jets have stopped again. I think I’ve got something to help combat this long dark. I grab my phone, this time, with still pretty soggy hands, quickly pulling up my past long dark tips again. Tip #4: Find Fulfilling Activities. Are you thinking what I’m thinking, self? Creative endeavors, video games, working out, all very fulfilling activities, but what if there was something else? What could be more fulfilling than taking the first steps towards going back to finish out that big thing that has haunted me for over a decade?

Is this some crazy thinking brought on by the long dark? I’d ask myself that many times after have my initial a-ha moment about this. The long dark does make people think and act differently, yet I have a feeling that this was going to spring up at some point regardless of the weather or season. Prior to the long dark, I found myself approaching a crossroads. Things in my work are changing and the comfort that I once felt in my position, isn’t the same as it used to be. For the most part, I still really enjoy where I’m at and what I do, but would I forever?

One of the craziest things that comes from sobering up is clarity. I see everything in so much detail now, good and bad. The things that I used to be able to bury, I really can’t anymore. If something’s pulling me in a direction, I can no longer ignore it.

A few days and a few important conversations after that fateful hot tub session, I find myself digging out an old copy of my transcripts. As I scan the document, my mind flashes back to all of those crazy days and I notice that I have just 14 credits to go. The paper begins to shake in my hands as I well up with emotion. I remember the reason why I even have this copy in the first place; one day, my mom and I took the steps to find out how to proceed and get some information on going back. Years later, I think I’m really going back. I’m going to do it for her, for combating the long dark and future long darks, and most importantly, for me. I’m going to prove to myself that I’m not that stupid guy who just bails on things when the going gets tough and that I can actually fucking finish what I start.

So, here I sit, typing this out, trying to put a nice bow on things. I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit anxious and the process of re-applying makes me a little nervous. This time though, I won’t drag my feet. I’m going to do what I need to do to go back and finish that damn associate’s degree. From there, who knows? All I really know right now is that I’m feeling really hopeful and hope is a great elixir for that dreaded Wisconsin cold.

Sorry if you were expecting a bit more about how to get through the Winter, I didn’t exactly see this twist coming either. We can still end with a big lesson though if you’d like. That lesson is something that I’ve probably mentioned in the past, yet it’s always nice to reiterate. The lesson is, it’s never too late. Even if you gave up hope a long time ago and found yourself spiraling out of control as a drunken cynical mess of a person, it’s not over until it’s over. So, here’s to finishing what we start and hitting that jet button over and over and over again until we figure it out.

Media Pod Smash, off!