Back in 2017, I put myself through a bit of a writing boot camp. My friend and I were planning on starting a site that would eventually house many articles and other pieces of writing. Unfortunately, life happened and the project fell through. Cut to: current day, I spent the last week consuming media on the couch recovering from a sickness and am looking to do something different. On my quest for variety, I started looking through some of these old writings. One, because I have a weird obsession with old things, and two, because I really should be writing my Reflections essay, but if I post this, I can at least tell myself I’m just warming up before the big writing session and definitely not procrastinating.
Without further ado, the following writing is a small piece called Social Media Tips. It was an attempt at humor from a cynical, sad, early 20 something. Enjoy!
Jeremy’s Social Media Tips:
I could start this out by mentioning all sorts of usage stats of popular social media sites within the last few years, but I think we can all agree that even without looking at numbers we can conclude that social media is fucking popular. It is for that reason, that I decided it was a good idea to write the following tips:
1. POST LOTS OF ARTICLES TO YOUR FAVORITE POLITICAL NEWS
Friends and colleagues love when they see others getting involved politically on Facebook or Twitter. Instead of actively battling for a cause or making financial contributions, a shared article from a clearly biased website is the way to go. There’s nothing better than imagining what someone’s face may look like on the other side of that screen once they’ve read that killer headline you’ve posted. After the 5th or 6th article, they may denounce their previous political affiliation, put you on their shoulders, and bow to your feet each time they see you. “How could I have been so wrong about everything?”, they will ask as you will sit there smugly thanking all that is holy that you had the energy to muster up one more shared link.
The instant backing from people who already support your ideas is also great. There’s nothing like getting virtually blown by a group of online buddies.
2. POST LOTS OF PHOTOS OF YOUR FOOD, PETS AND KIDS…THEN A FEW MORE FOR GOOD MEASURE
Friends and family love to keep up to date on all of your latest endeavors in life. An album with 25 different pictures of your dog or cat are great because most people will never own an animal like that and do not truly know what they are fully capable of doing. For instance, until I started getting really involved in social media, I didn’t know that cats liked to sleep all day or that most dogs are very playful. If people didn’t provide me with visual proof everyday, I would be incredibly out of the loop.
As much as I love learning about the daily routines of pets, your children also make it onto the list. It’s very important to convince yourself and others that your child is cute. Not only cute, but perhaps also, on a genius level. While it may not be true, people may be swayed if they see you posting a status update from your child, chronicling all of the things that child did today. If nothing else, it’ll make you and everyone else forget that you have no real social life anymore.
Lastly, post lots of food photos and be sure to describe them in great detail. Most simple folk don’t know what a fucking burger is.
3. TAKE A LOT OF ENGAGEMENT AND BABY GENDER REVEAL PHOTOS
After you reach a certain age, people may stop celebrating you and your milestones. Don’t let them forget! When you get engaged, take your future spouse to all sorts of places and take photos for the world to see. They will be sure to love you as much as you love each other. Mountains, forests, cemeteries, the back ally of an abortion clinic; everywhere! Take your self-love fest on a world tour.
Once the wedding happens and a little bundle of joy is on the way, keep everyone on the edge of their seats with a gender reveal party. Having a child is a HUGE achievement. Everyone will celebrate and wonder just how you did it for years to come. Just don’t waste your time discussing how you raised that child. We don’t care if he or she becomes a Mensa member or a junkie under a boardwalk somewhere, just bring on more of those adorable photos!
4. BE VAGUE WITH YOUR STATUS UPDATES
Personally, I love solving puzzles. When I see somebody post something incredibly vague on social media, I stay awake at night for hours trying to decode what they meant until I finally give up and just ask “What’s wrong?”. In a way, by posting a vague update you are increasing everyone’s critical thinking skills. Nice work.
5. POST LOTS OF INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES AND GO FUND MES
Let’s face it; the world is a cold and dark place sometimes. Take it upon yourself to make it a little bit brighter. Fuck changing your own attitude or doing good deeds! Hit em’ with a really powerful quote. A quote involving some sort of metaphor about a small tree going unnoticed until it grows big and tall over all the big, mean, and now rotting other trees. Something like that.
Before you sign out, I have just one more tip for you; post a Go Fund Me. Charities are great, especially if they aid in giving someone a dream wedding or vacation. Bonus points if you complain about how society needs to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and stop leeching off of hard earned tax payer money and then proceed to post that Go Fund Me.
-Jeremy
Media Pod Smash! 